QUESTION:

I am a 42 year old professional with a Ph.D. in health sciences, and I married a woman who has BPD. Her diagnosis, for social services, is chronic fatigue syndrome. I thought it was only a disorder characterized by fatigue. I met her and dated for less than a year and then we married, on an impulse that has lead us both into the world of marriage with a BPD. I have obtained psychotherapy (to deal with my own issues, triggers, etc..) and have attended marriage counseling with her, she is also on Wellbutrin. When I met her, she had been on Wellbutrin for 6 months and all seemed well. Now the stress of a new marriage is zap pow, well you know the story, emergency admissions, bad arguments, setting limits which are seen as proof of abandonment, the whole nine yards. I really need help, as divorce is pending.

Until recently I believed she had axis I depression, her psychiatrist is using that working diagnosis. BPD is more likely, the more I read about it, the more uncannily familiar the diagnoses sounds. The first time I picked up the DSM-IV I went pale, they were describing her to a tee. What a shock but somehow reassuring at the same time.

This is so hard, to be the partner. There is so little support. Friends and family say dump her, therapists say it will never change completely, and I am lost. Hence, 3 questions, with the following in mind, I have several friends who are trained in BPD psychotherapy, and I know the main theoretical considerations.

QUESTION 1:

Is Wellbutrin useful? You mention in another letter that you do not believe it is. Can you elaborate? This is her psychiatrist's chosen treatment. I guess its working, maybe it would be worse without. But the impulse control is zilch.

QUESTION 2:

Where can I get support as a spouse of a BPD? I need it, or the marriage will end, it is already, as you may imagine, in big trouble. How do I love her, help her, but not play therapist?

QUESTION 3:

Is there any data on estrogen or progesterone and BPD? I have tracked the episodes of panic, and there is a clear increase around ovulation, not PMS! Could taking an estrogen/progesterone supplement possibly stabilize the yelling and devaluing?

One more question. Any advice for spouses? Any resources? Links? Help???? Re: Is it harmful for her to stay in the marriage? Does Marriage do more harm than good- Given that it is a loving, safe relationship? ie. Does the stress of marriage, especially a new marriage, serve as a trigger source which trows her into a state of constant anxiety?  Are my attempts to save the marriage really hurting her?