QUESTION:

Dear Dr. Heller,

What is the best way to tell if someone is lying to you? Are there physical clues? If you know they've lied to you in the past - how can you learn to trust them in the future? I have a friend who says he's trying to tell the truth - but yet lies about things all the time. I need to understand why. Can you help?

DR. HELLER'S ANSWER:

For most of us there are physical signs - which is what the "lie detector" test is about. Perspiration on the skin - especially on the palms and soles. More rapid breathing. Dilating pupils and shaking can all be signs of lying. Many people show absolutely no signs at all.

It can be hard to trust someone who has lied to you.

Diagnoses such as the BPD, attention deficit disorder, and anxiety disorders can trigger lying as a way of dealing with stress. This is particularly true if lying was the learned behavior as a child. Check the screening test I use for these diagnoses.

It can be difficult changing this behavior. The first step is to get the diagnoses made and treated. Affirmations, listening to Zig Ziglar, and professional counseling are all crucial to recovery. The bottom line, however, is that the individual has to make the decision that lying is not a smart approach.

It's important to recognize that their lies could come back and hurt you. It's important to prevent that!

Another reference is NoDeception.com

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