QUESTION:

I'm not sure if I'm truly a bpd sufferer or what... I was feeling depressed last night and wanted to find info for my girlfriend who thinks that my unhappiness is because of her. Then I stumbles across this and other websites on BPD... It seems to fit me. But, I'm thinking my RAGES are fewer and further apart... I remember as a child having intense rages inside but feeling completely powerless over my life... Now I'm in a relationship with a woman that I wanted and idealized and I'm screwing it up. She loves me and wants to be close to me but I push her away... It's weird. I've had rages where I would hit my partners... I feel so much shame and guilt and feel like it wasn't the real me doing creating such separation.

Right now, I'm using will power and rational thinking to calm me. Cold wash cloths to calm me (during panic/ anxiety attacks) and telling myself to chill a bit when I get excited. I avoided therapy because I didn't feel seen. Every time I met a counselor, they thought I was fine...

Every day, I get out of bed hoping that I will find a happiness. It hasn't happened. I'm totally lost. Have no clear identity of who I am. I have a great business that I built and have billing that is so past due... Clients owe me money! Who cares? It's like I sabotage all that's good around me on purpose because I'm so unworthy...

I have a wonderful home, business, girlfriend, friends and so much but it's less meaningful to me because of my bad up state of mind...

I spend so much time thinking and self talk.. I seldom put on the radio because it creates dissonance in my head or I can't think.

Happy people bother me... Really bother me.. I get angry and jealous.

I've never thought of myself of having a serious mental illness. Now I'm thinking that maybe I do. I have not met anyone that I feel is able to help me...

If I have BPD, are there lesser degrees of severity?

Why can't I have that "normal" relationship. Why can't I keep my friends around.. How come people don't come and visit me by dropping by? Because I'm toxic as hell and they'll sense it...

Most of the time, I'm struggling in my head to just be normal. I fake it very well and function well. But I'm just doing my best to appear normal. Inside, I'm feeling like some kind of social reject. What's weird is I'm also feeling so close to being normal, well liked and respected and admired. I would love to be less rude, insulting and cruel to my girlfriend, friends, relatives, teachers, people. I think most people suck... I can also say that I pretty much hate myself...But I keep on going... Fooling many. Most people just think I'm assertive and rude... Really, I'm a hurting puppy and would love to have this dark cloud lifted.

I'm still just assuming that I have this disorder... My friend, the Drug and Alcohol rehab counselor warns me about "labels" and not to get sucked in.

I'm having a Ph.D. guy come over tomorrow who specializes in BPD. It doesn’t feel like I have a MAJOR case of it... But, all the symptoms... Self Sabotage and this and that.. .I don't cut my self.. But I am overweight and speed all the time...

I've spent years looking for myself... I hope I find me. I hope I get out of my isolated world. Anyway, I'm concerned about being on medications. I don't want to be hooked on them. I want to feel fulfilled without them.. But I'm afraid, I can't...

DO you feel fulfilled these days? Is there a chance that I can feel fulfilled while I'm here on earth or should I just let go of that ridiculous unrealistic expectation?

DR. HELLER'S ANSWER:

First of all you can have a terrific, fulfilled life. I don't think you'll be able to do that - particularly in the short term - without medications. You don't have to take addicting or dangerous ones, but you will need them.

You've likely been depressed since you were a child, and attention deficit disorder is definitely a possibility. You need all your diagnoses made and comprehensively made.

There's a wonderful saying "judgments only say something about the person doing the judging, not what's being judged." The same thing is true for "labels." Words like lazy, crazy, and hopeless are labels. The BPD is a valid neurological diagnosis, not a label. People who say it is are uninformed.

Beware of phrases like "severe" or "highly functioning" borderline. It's a neurological disorder, greatly affected by other diagnoses as well. Life is never about where you start, but where you go. Concentrate instead on becoming a happy, successful person in every important area of life. This is what I teach about in both of my books. I have many, many borderlines I've taken care of who are having happy, productive, fulfilling and successful lives.

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