Parenting Difficult Children - Transforming the Difficult Child

Written by Guest: Howard Glasser

David: Mr. Glasser's website is here: http://www.difficultchild.com. We have two excellent sites that deal with parenting difficult children. One is Parenting the Challenging Child. The other is the Child Development Institute.

troubleholt: My daughter completely failed the 4th grade. She's now been placed in 5th grade this year. She's doing good even after failing last year. Should I concern myself with what happened last year or should I go from the here and now?

Howard Glasser: I would definitely go on from here. Many teachers are simply in the same boat of trying to use normal techniques with kids who will never respond and your daughter's response this year is an indication that the teacher is skillful and can engage her successfulness.

dogre: My 16 year old son goes to a therapeutic boarding school . He has a diagnosis of ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) and possible Conduct Disorder. No meds now. Could we make this work for him and how long might it possibly take? How could we accomplish it with him not living at home?

Howard Glasser: I worked with several parents of 16 year olds in the same situation this last summer. They began by promoting the accelerated level of energizing success on their visits and via the phone. They also began their stand on refusing to energize negativity while the child was still away.

AJ111: How do you suggest handling the ODD behavior when the child is out of control, i.e., screaming, name calling, slamming doors, back talking? I'm not sure of the best way to handle this and make it clear this is not acceptable.

Howard Glasser: You must always begin before the incidents, knowing full well that future incidents will happen. The more intense the child, the more intense the intervention. With Oppositional Defiant Disorder, what is called for is a strong or forceful use of giving verbal recognition to the child when the rules are not being broken. That's how you need to teach the rules, through successes. Then, to promote successes, you'll need to have some kind of credit system that's an extension of your mission. When those are in place, then you are in a position to simply deliver an unceremonious consequence.

Most people are under the false impression that the harsher the consequence or the more powerfully we reprimand or scold, the greater the impact. That couldn't be further from the truth. The power of a consequence comes from the delivery in an unceremonious way. The irony is that if you get the level of success high enough and remove the response to negativity, you can have an amazingly simple consequence work. The child has to test to discover that there's no longer a big response to negativity, only a result. All the big response now is for various successes.

Zigweegwee: My 11 year-old son consistently reacts negatively to any positive comments. How can I get him to desire the positive?

Howard Glasser: This is not uncommon. He doesn't yet trust that he can keep you involved through his success and needs you to convince him that he doesn't any longer need to go to the trouble of being negative to keep you involved. To be more convincing, you need to make the positives more substantial by using more specifics and more details. You'll need to do more of them, and to give more juice to the ones you do through voice quality and putting more heart and authenticity in your comments of appreciation.

KFIELD: I don't mean to sound desperate, but if I don't find something that works for my son between now and January 8th when he is off probation, he will go to juvenile detention for doing anything wrong and he doesn't seem to understand that he is the only one who has control over this. He truly believes that no matter how hard he tries, he will still end up in trouble.

Howard Glasser: You can create a tremendous turnaround quickly with strategies that are powerful enough. I can tell you are very motivated and that will be your best resource. I really recommend reading my book, Transforming the Difficult Child. It will take you through the steps. It's currently the best-selling book on ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder).

Many people have just read the book and, by following the recommendations alone, have reported great transformations. The good news is when an intense child shifts his intensity to success, he become way above average. The intensity is an asset. That's why I try not to medicate. It makes the intensity go away and that's a great loss. The outcomes without meds is so much better. Everyone gets to enjoy the new intensity and best of all the parent winds up feeling like the hero. Who deserves that honor more?

Elise123: Does your approach work for kids with high functioning autism or other neurological disorders?

Howard Glasser: I've used the approach with a few dozen children with autism and FAS with very good results.

David: Thank you, Mr. Glasser, for being our guest tonight and for sharing this information with us. And to those in the audience, thank you for coming and participating. I hope you found it helpful. We have a very large and active community here at HealthyPlace.com. You will always find people interacting with various sites.

Also, if you found our site beneficial, I hope you'll pass our URL around to your friends, mail list buddies, and others. http://www.healthyplace.com

Howard Glasser: Thank you, everyone.

David: Good night.

Disclaimer: We are not recommending or endorsing any of the suggestions of our guest. In fact, we strongly encourage you to talk over any therapies, remedies or suggestions with your doctor BEFORE you implement them or make any changes in your treatment.

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