online conference transcript

Kathy Noll is our guest.
Millions of boys and girls are involved every year in fights on school grounds. Many are physically threatened and also robbed. How can your children protect themselves from bullies and from violence at school?

Kathy wrote the book "Taking the Bully by the Horns". She'll discusses what you, as a parent, can do to help your child deal with bullies and/or prevent them from becoming one.

David HealthyPlace.com moderator.

The people in blue are audience members.

David: Good Evening. I'm David Roberts, the moderator for tonight's conference. I want to welcome everyone to HealthyPlace.com. Our topic tonight is "How to Help Your Child Deal With Bullies".

Some children, today, have been bullied to the point of feeling nothing, feeling numb. They are withdrawn and hopeless.

In a recent study, 77% of the students said they had been bullied. And 14% of those who were bullied said they experienced severe (bad) reactions to the abuse. Did you know that over 6 million boys and 4 million girls are involved in fights every year on school grounds? Many are physically threatened, while a large number of students are also robbed. And with school violence, seemingly, being an everyday occurrence now, what are you going to do when the bully comes calling?

Our guest is Kathy Noll, author of the book: "Taking The Bully By The Horns."

Good evening Kathy, and welcome to HealthyPlace.com. Thank you for joining us tonight. So everyone is on the same track, please define a bully for us.

Kathy: Thanks David, and hello everyone. A bully is a person who has low self-esteem and feels he or she needs to put another person down, in order to make him or herself feel bigger.

David: How does a bully become a bully?

Kathy: There are many different ways. He or she may have been bullied themselves, or it could be the negative influence of peers or the media. It also could be because he is angry either at his own self esteem, or from the bullying he/she received.

David: How does the bully choose his target? What characteristics make the other person "the victim"?

Kathy: Mostly, bullies pick on another child who is younger or smaller than him or herself, because they are easier to control. I should mention that victims are also chosen if they hang their heads low, walk with their shoulders slouched or seem like "loners".

David: In your book, you mention different levels of being a bully -- "mean", "meaner", "meanest". Can you explain the different levels to us?

Kathy: The different levels depend on whether the bullying is verbal, or physical. Physical is the worst case scenario. The "mean" bully may tease you verbally, while the "meanest" bully is the one who is physically violent. That's the one you need to stay away from at all costs.

David: As a parent, what should I do to help my child deal with these types of situations?

Kathy: First, if you feel your child is being bullied, you need to get him or her to admit it. That is the first step. There are also signs to look for, to know if your child is being bullied:

• change in behavior
• lack of concentration
• torn clothing, bruises
• loses money a lot
• depression, fearful, mood swings
• stomach aches, head aches

Don't question victims intently or ask anything that might make them feel they have done anything wrong. Broach the subject obliquely, giving them the option to talk about it or not. Let them know that you are willing to listen at any time. When they start to talk, listen carefully to what they have to say. Let them decide if they want to handle the situation themselves or if they want you to get involved.

Letting them handle it themselves will help with their self-esteem, but if they ask your advice, you could help them come up with acceptable responses to the bully, if say, the bullying is verbal and/or teasing.

David: You mentioned "getting your child to admit he/she is being bullied." Do kids usually keep that a secret? And, if so, why?

Kathy: They are afraid they will get in trouble somehow; that they somehow provoked or asked for this. They might be accused of being a bully themselves. They are also afraid of looking like a "loser" if they admit to being the "victim".