Parenting Techniques for Parenting Preschoolers

Written by Dr. Steven Richfield

Parenting a preschooler can be a challenging task. Here are some parenting tips specifically designed for parents of preschoolers.

A parent writes, "My husband and I have an ongoing debate about how to deal with our preschooler. She is sweet and loving, but can be a handful when it comes to trying to get her to follow our agenda. We are particularly frustrated by her headstrong nature and difficulty accepting no for an answer. Any ideas?"

Parenting Preschoolers Requires Flexibility

Parenting preschool children can be likened to the job of a short-order cook during the lunch time rush. Different orders appear before us, each one feels urgent to our customer so time is of the essence, and don't even think about making a mistake because we're supposed to get it right each and every time. And much like their requests change, so do our roles; one moment we are the confidant as they discuss an upsetting event at school, but the next moment we're the disciplinarian after they hit us for not understanding their message.

Preschoolers Are Forever Changing Their Mind

These examples underscore one word that comes to mind when parenting preschoolers: changeable. Their mindsets fluctuate between the egocentricism of earlier days and the cognitive advances that come with "trying to be good." The two sides seem to battle for dominance. Their newfound cognitive and physical capacities aid their pursuit of discovery and self-satisfaction, or alternately, help them take steps toward becoming a cooperative member of the family and larger community. Sometimes we find that the pleasure-seeking side (what I call the "reacting side") is more in evidence at home, while the self-controlled side (what I call the "thinking side") is more in charge at preschool.

Concrete Concepts for Parenting Preschoolers

Here are some coaching points to help build upon the powers of the thinking side:

Give them the words to help bridge the gap between thinking about and reacting to events. Many times, our kids express an emotion or display a behavior, such as "urgency protests"(insisting upon our immediate fulfillment of their order) or "confused complaining" (complaining about something that they really wanted to do). With urgency protests, explain that things don't happen as quickly as they want them to and part of being a big girl or boy is being able to say to yourself, "I can wait till it's time." With confused complaining, explain that getting disappointed by things happens to everybody but we can say to ourselves that there are still good things to look forward to even when I'm disappointed.

Look for ways to distill larger lessons from repeating patterns of behavior. Preschoolers require explicit rules that are consistently enforced, which is one reason why they have an easier time adapting to the structure of school. Parents can capitalize upon this need for clarity by introducing "life rules" that apply to people, places, and things. For instance, among "people rules" may be that kids must feel safe and get to know each other better before certain games are played. "Place rules" may include that when they are at other homes, they cannot help themselves to whatever they want. "Thing rules" apply to how they put their belongings away and respect the property of others. If rules are broken, parents can express disappointment, and much like is the case in preschool, withhold certain privileges as a symbolic reminder that broken rules lead to missing out on some good stuff.

Recognize how our expectations set the stage for our reactions (and their's). The 3 to 6 year old is programmed to behave in "ex" ways - exploring, experimenting, expressing, and exploding. And we have our "ex's" - our expectations. But if we predominantly use direct commands or force, we are more likely to produce kids who are openly defiant. It's important to allow them to express their individuality within acceptable parameters. For instance, offer them broad parameters to appropriately play out a range of developmental issues. Play is a wonderful place for them to take the emotional charge out of the issues that might get them into trouble in the real world. Secondly, offer them narrow parameters to learn the rules of age appropriate social behavior. Give and take, cause and effect, boundaries, and perspective taking are examples of the social rules we all must learn. Don't overlook social behavior in the home than will not be tolerated on the outside. Lastly, label feelings so that they can discharge their impulses and emotions without acting on them.

Explain the concepts of the thinking vs. reacting side and how they vie for control.

Even preschoolers can understand how there are two sides to every person and we all must try to strengthen our "thinking side muscles." Point out examples of how the two sides are expressed and introduce the concept of "thinking side tests, " or times when things don't go our way and we must try to behave the right way. Offer them times when you were put to the test - and let them hear you use the words to navigate your way through one of your tests.

About Dr. Steven Richfield: Known as "The Parent Coach," Dr. Richfield is a child psychologist, parent/teacher trainer, author of "The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today's Society" and creator of the Parent Coaching Cards.

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