Important things for parents to consider when talking to your children about divorce.

Divorce can be a traumatic experience for a child. How you talk to your children about divorce can greatly affect how they are impacted by the divorce.

• What to expect at this age
• How to talk about it
• What kids ask ... What parents answer

What to expect at this age

For kids of any age, divorce raises big issues: shock, loss, uncertainty. But grade-schoolers often take on another set of burdens as well: feeling guilty, worrying about the welfare of one or both parents, worrying about money, worrying about how friends will react, feeling caught in the middle of parents who are — or might be — feuding. "Kids find themselves right in the middle of their own soap opera," says psychologist Anthony Wolf, in his book Why Did You Have to Get a Divorce and When Can I Get a Hamster? After the initial shock of the news has worn off, be prepared for a full range of reactions. Your child may act spiteful, uncooperative, depressed, or withdrawn. You'll need to be as empathetic as possible to help him get through this major transition.

How to talk about it

Tell him together. Ideally, parents should break the news about the divorce in tandem. Telling your child together avoids confusion — he'll hear only one version of the story — and conveys that it was a mutual decision, so he won't blame one parent for the split. According to Paul Coleman, psychologist and author of How to Say it to Your Kids, there's a more important reason as well: It helps preserve your child's sense of trust in both his parents. If it's not possible or practical to discuss the split as a pair, then the adult who has taken the primary parenting role — the one who makes the child feel safest — should handle this task.

Choose your timing. There are two things to consider when telling your child about an impending divorce. First, make sure the decision is final; he'll be in agony if you try to "prepare him" for a mere possibility by saying, "We're thinking about getting a divorce." Second, when you do decide to tell him, remember that the news will be a big shock, even if you and your spouse have been fighting for months. Your child needs time to let it sink in, and though there's never a "good" time, there are bad times: school days, right before you head off to work or he goes to soccer practice, or right before bed. "When he's suddenly feeling very unsafe and very alone, he'll need you to be there for him," says Wolf. Choose a moment when you'll be with him afterward.

Keep it simple. Don't assume your grade-schooler knows exactly what "divorced" means. A 6-year-old may need a definition that's short and straightforward: "Divorced means Mom and Dad won't live together anymore. But we'll always be your parents, and we'll always love you."

Be honest. Your child needs an explanation for why Mom and Dad won't be together anymore. Without one, your child is likely to blame himself for the divorce, and he may come up with reasons you might never have dreamed of: "Dad got mad because I kept losing my allowance money," "Mom left because I talked back to her," or, "They argued all the time about what my punishments should be — it's all my fault." Your child needs a real reason instead. But he's not ready for all the details, such as "Mom's been fooling around," or "Dad's having a mid-life crisis." You can say, "We weren't happy living together, even though we tried really hard to make things work out. We think it will be better if we aren't together and fighting all the time."

Don't blame your ex. Do all you can to avoid demonizing your former partner in front of your child, even if you are hurt and angry over the breakup. Your child doesn't see the situation the same way you do - she just wants you both to be with her, and she'll be hurt and confused if she hears one of her beloved parents criticizing the other. And remember, she can hear you even when you're not talking to her. Negative comments overheard when you're on the phone with a friend or your attorney can be just as damaging as if you had made them to your child.

Be empathetic. All children grieve over divorce — some openly, some quietly. Give your child a chance to talk by saying, "You feel bad about the divorce, don't you?" Whether he opens up or not, it's good for him to know you understand how he feels. Use empathetic responses even when your child attacks you or your ex with comments like, "Dad's a jerk. It's all his fault," or "You're so mean, of course he left," or "My life was great until the divorce." He's angry, and the easiest way for him to react is to blame someone — often you. Although it can be hard, try not to attack back. Saying something like "I know the divorce has been hard for you" acknowledges that he's having a rough time, and that understanding is what he really needs.

Discuss it often. Be prepared to go over the same questions again and again, for weeks or even months. Divorce is difficult for children to understand and accept, and many harbor strong fantasies that their parents will reunite one day.