Children and Constructive Criticism - How to Give Your Child Construction Criticism

Written by Anthony Kane, MD

When your child does something wrong, he will be expecting the criticism right away. When the child is expecting the reaction, his guard is up he will react by defending himself and fighting back. He will not hear what you say and he will be defending himself.

Sometimes it is better to wait until things quiet down. Then you can discuss with the child rationally and the child will hear it. You will also be calmer and be able to deliver a better message to your child.

8- Sometimes no Criticism is the Best

The purpose of criticism is to correct future behavior. If it is clear to the child that he did something wrong and if the child feels bad about what was done and he is not likely to repeat it, there is nothing added by acknowledging his misdeed.

Mistakes When Giving Criticism

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Under the best circumstances it is very hard to give criticism properly. However there are a number of factors that make it that much more difficult to constructively address your child's wrong behavior. Usually, you will not be able to control these factors. However, if you are aware of them, it will put you on your guard to be extra careful when rebuking your child.

1- If You are Close to the Situation

It is very easy for me to remain unattached when someone else's child misbehaves. When someone else's child opens a box of crayons and starts drawing on the walls of the department store, I must confess that it really doesn't bother me at all. I might even find it amusing. However, I am sure the parents of that child don't view the situation the way I do.

As a parent, you are automatically involved in the situation. This makes it hard to thing clearly and logically. It also makes it much more likely that your response will be wrong.

2- If the Problem Affects You Directly

Often one of my children will do something to his sibling. It is not hard to stay detached and respond appropriately when that happens. However, when I am the victim of the misdeed, it is much harder to view the action objectively and respond correctly.

3- If You Need to Respond Immediately

It is always better if you have time to think out and plan your response. However, we don't often have that luxury. Usually our child's behavior must be addressed immediately. You should know when this happens, it is much more likely that you will make mistakes.

4- If the Child did Something to You in Public

We are all very concerned about our public image. When our children embarrass us in public, either through an inappropriate behavior or a direct attack, it is very hard to give an unattached appropriate response.

The only way I know that you can always be successful in these four scenarios is if you anticipate it ahead of time and plan out your response. This is not easy to do. I know from personal experience that my children are much more creative than I, and I can't usually guess what new things they are going to do. Still, every once in awhile, I do get it right and when I can't prevent their misdeed, I can at least respond to it appropriately.

Conclusion

I want to point out that the principals that we have discussed apply when you need to rebuke anybody. The difference is that for anyone else we usually can choose whether or not to get involved. As a parent, we do not have that option. We are automatically involved.

We have an obligation to correct our children's behavior. Our children need our guidance. It is a terrible example when parents let their children do what they want without direction. The children may act like they like the freedom, but these are the children who grow up not knowing right from wrong and not realizing that there are consequences for bad actions. Eventually, these children feel that their parents really don't care about them. Often they are right.

It is hard to be a parent. But the more effort you put into steering your child on the proper path to adulthood, the more happiness you will have when you share in your child's successes through his life.

Anthony Kane, MD is a physician, an international lecturer, and director of special education. He is the author of a book, numerous articles, and a number of online courses dealing with ADHD, ODD, parenting issues, and education.

next: Reinforcing Positive Behavior at Home