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What the Research Shows
Research on father-child affection demonstrates that:
(1) Generosity in preschool boys was more likely when they viewed their fathers as nurturant, affectionate, and comforting.
(2) Altruism in children grades 3 to 6 was more likely when their fathers participated in caring for them during infancy.
(3) Loving fathers who provide reasonable, firm guidance without arbitrarily imposing their will promote competence in their children. Unloving, punitive, authoritarian fathers tend to produce dependent, withdrawn, anxious, and dejected children.
(4) Warm, accepting fathers tend to have children with high self-esteem. Alienated adolescents view their parents as hostile and nonaccepting.
(5) Warm, affectionate fathers influence the development of their children's sex-role behavior; they also have a positive influence on achievement and peer popularity in boys and personal adjustment in girls.
(6) Adolescent daughters recalled less affection and support from their fathers than the fathers recalled expressing. Daughters wished they had received, and fathers wished they had given, more affection and support.[8]
(7) Adolescent boys who thought they were similar to their fathers were likely to be popular with their peers.
(8) Adolescent boys were more likely to be similar to their fathers when the fathers were perceived as rewarding, gratifying, and understanding. These same boys usually scored high on the masculinity scale of the questionnaire.
(9) Mothers are more interested in the nursing and care of newborns when fathers are emotionally supportive.
Suggestions for Fathers
A parent-child relationship might be compared to a bank account. Every negative act - a frown, a slap, a "no" or "I'm busy" - is like a withdrawal from the account. In contrast, affectionate, caring actions are like deposits in the relationship account. If the withdrawals exceed the deposits, the relationship breaks down into mutual distrust and isolation - it becomes bankrupt. Fathers who have to make a large number of withdrawals can do so if their deposits of warmth, support and nurturance are high enough. Fathers can be both tough when necessary and tender when needed. Tenderness can be difficult for some fathers because of its association with sexuality. One expectant father was concerned that he could have difficulty expressing affection if he had a son. He thought he might feel uncomfortable kissing and hugging a little boy. As it turned out, a son was born and he and his father are affectionate and close. The new father felt no hesitancy about expressing his feelings. Some fathers may become uncomfortable with expressing affection to adolescent daughters. This unfortunate association of affection with sexuality can deprive people of the closeness they deeply need in their relationships.
There are many ways in which men can express their affection for their children. Some may feel comfortable talking with their children. Others may let their actions reveal their feelings. Some expressions, like hugging, are obvious while others, like quiet self-sacrifice, are more subtle. There is a danger in letting our actions speak for themselves: subtle forms of affection can easily be overlooked or misinterpreted. Words can enrich what we do by making our actions more easily understood by others. Children sometimes need to hear their father say "I love you" to fully appreciate what he does for them. On the other hand, words not backed by action may sound hollow and false. Every father will develop his own style of showing affection in his relationships with others in his family.
Few events will change a man's life as much as becoming a father. Being a father can be both frightening and frustrating. For many fathers, nothing makes them more angry than a defiant, stubborn child. Being entrusted with the responsibility for the care of another person can be an awesome task. But the opposite can also be true. Nothing may give a father more pleasure than to see his children gradually grow into adulthood, to have his affection returned in good measure and to have his deepest feelings of self-worth confirmed. Regardless of the mask they sometimes wear, whether it be one of casual aloofness or macho toughness, fathers' feelings for and about their children run deep. Fathers care.
References
1. The Gallup Organization, "American Families - 1980," Princeton, New Jersey.
2. U.S. Department of Labor, "Working Mothers and Their Children," Washington, D.C.: U.S. Government Printing Office, 1979.
3. U.S. Department of Commerce, Bureau of the Census, "Current Population Reports," October 1981.
4. Lewis Yablonsky, Fathers and Sons (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1982).
5. William Schutz, Profound Simplicity (New York: Bantam Books, 1979).
6. The research conclusions identified in this publication were selected from the following books: Michael Lamb, The Role of the Father in Child Development (New York: John Wiley, 1981); David B. Lynn, The Father: His Role in Child Development (Monterey, CA: Brooks/Cole, 1974); Ross D. Parke, Fathers (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1981).
7. Charles A. Smith, Effective Discipline (Manhattan, KS: Cooperative Extension Service, 1979/1980). Ask for publication numbers C-604, C-604a and C-621.
8. My thanks to Dorothy Martin, Extension Family Life Specialist in Colorado, for sharing the results of her study titled, "The Expressive Domain of the Father - Adolescent Daughter Relationship Defined by Their Perceptions and Desires." Available from Dissertation Abstracts International, Vol. XXXIX, Number 11, 1979.
Reprinted with permission from the National Network for Child Care -
NNCC. Smith, C. A. (1982). *Father's care*. [Extension Publication L-650] Manhattan, KS. Kansas State University Cooperative Extension Service.
next: The Connection Between Father and Son
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