Keys to A Great Father-Child Relationship - Keys to Father-Child Relationship

Written by Charles A. Smith

What the Research Shows

Research on father-child influence demonstrates that:

(1) Children typically have viewed fathers as more rigid, threatening, and demanding than mothers.

(2) Fathers usually are stricter than mothers and more likely to punish children, but mothers may use a wider variety of punishments.

(3) Mothers who take authority in decision-making in the home seem to have a marked effect on boys, lowering their sons' tendency to imitate their fathers and thus their masculine orientation. Father-dominance, on the other hand, does not lower the femininity of girls.

(4) Fathers' involvement in setting limits and making decisions increases their influence in the family, especially with their sons.

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(5) Moral judgment is at a low level in boys and girls who view their father's control as overly dominant.

(6) Children may experience personal problems and difficulty in school if they are frequently dominated and punished by their fathers.

(7) Delinquent boys are likely to have fathers who are controlling, rigid, and prone to alcoholism. These fathers may use physical punishment as a form of discipline, and they tend to be inconsistent and erratic in their childrearing techniques.

Suggestions for Fathers

Children both admire and fear their father's strength. On one hand they want their father to be strong and powerful (in the sense of being self-confident and determined) but they may also be frightened at times by that power. Walking the middle ground between dominance and permissiveness can sometimes be difficult for a father. How can fathers establish a sense of influence? First, they can establish and maintain reasonable limits for their children.[7] Children respect parents who provide firm but gentle guidance. But they also benefit from parents who gradually allow them to make decisions on their own.

Fathers could also be responsive to their children's interests. Instead of always telling them what to do, fathers could listen and be responsive to their children's suggestions whenever possible. When shopping, for example, a father might let his 5-year-old choose one or two stores to visit. Similarly, a father might ask his son or daughter to suggest a game to play or a movie to see.

There are times, though, when children do not have these kinds of choices. Parents often have to have the final word. The goal might be to achieve an appropriate balance of influence in the relationship.

Affection: The Relationship Deepens

When people feel accepted and respected in a relationship, they will begin to develop close feelings of mutual affection. Parents who are never involved with their children and are either too permissive or too dominant are not likely to become close to their children. Fathers who expect to be constantly vigilant disciplinarians who show no tenderness create a climate of coldness that puts distance in their relationships. Sometimes the effect can be painful. Following a presentation to a community group, the speaker was approached by a man who wanted to ask a question about his adult son. He said that he and his boy had never been close. He was, in his words, the typical busy father who disciplined his kids but didn't show them much affection. Not long ago he suffered a heart attack and was not expected to live. When his son visited him in the hospital room they experienced a moment of intimacy that the father found deeply rewarding. For the first time in their lives both men expressed their love for each other. The words, "I love you, Dad" meant a great deal to this very sick father. Following his recovery, however, he realized he was gradually slipping back into his old patterns of coldness and isolation.

"How can we tell each other about our good feelings?" he asked. The threat of death made this man more aware of the emptiness that existed between him and his son. He was struggling with the idea that although change would be difficult there was hope if he was willing to take risks and make the effort.

By expressing affection through words and deeds, parents send another clear and emphatic message to their children:

I want to be close to you; I love you. You are special to me. I am willing to share myself so you can get to know me better. You give me joy.

In our closest relationships we seek these bonds of affection. Talking about these feelings has traditionally been easier for women than for men, but, like the father in the previous example, men are beginning to acknowledge the importance of intimacy and affection. They also are more willing to express the softer, gentler side of themselves.