Smart Love - Why Children Become Unhappy and Difficult

Written by Martha Heineman Pieper, Ph.D. and William Joseph Pieper, M.D

Why Children Become Unhappy and Difficult

Contrary to popular belief, inborn temperament is not the reason that children become unhappy and develop problematic behavior. Through our extensive clinical experience we have come to the conclusion that children become unhappy because they have learned to desire unhappiness, which happens when they are regularly made to feel unhappy or their unhappiness is not responded to.

As we have said, all babies meet their parents as optimists with regard to relationships. Each infant believes that his parents are perfect caregivers who are perfectly devoted to him. He has an inborn conviction that everything that happens to him is for the best because it is intended and approved by his parents. As a result, we believe, when for some reason parents are consistently unable to satisfy a child's developmental needs, the infant reacts by believing that his unhappy or alienated feelings are intended and approved of by his parents. Out of

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love for their parents, and in an attempt to care for themselves exactly as their beloved parents care for them, such children unknowingly develop the desire to cause themselves exactly the same discomfort they believe their parents want for them. These children believe that they are seeking happiness when they strive to recreate the feelings they experienced in their parents' presence.

This learned but unrecognized need to experience unhappiness explains why so many children (and adults) react to success with depression or self-defeating actions. Children who have acquired needs to make themselves unhappy may show symptoms such as frequent temper tantrums, depression, difficulties concentrating, low self-esteem, and problems with drugs and alcohol.

The good news is that it is never too late to help unhappy and difficult children. Smart love guidelines help parents help their children to change in positive, lasting ways. By learning how to build on their children's inborn, enduring desires to have a positive and loving relationship with their parents, all parents can make significant and constructive changes in their parenting and thereby ease the misery of problem children of any age.

Avoid Denting Your Child's Primary Happiness

You want to avoid causing your child to feel ashamed, bad, or as though you don't want her around when she is angry or upset. Parents are frequently advised to tell their child that her behavior makes them angry. But children cannot distinguish between their parents' anger at their behavior and their parents' feelings about them. This is true even of adolescents, who possess the intellectual maturity to understand the distinction their parents are making, but feel hurt nonetheless. When children repeatedly experience their parents as being angry at them, they copy their parents and develop needs to feel angry at themselves. If a child has already acquired inner unhappiness, the experience that her parents are angry with her will strengthen her needs to cause herself unhappiness.

A variation on this approach is the commonly heard advice that parents should tell their child that, while they don't like her behavior, they still love her ("I am unhappy when you..."). Even this is too negative. What children hear at such a moment is that their parents are disappointed in them. Instead you need to focus on regulating the action that is dangerous or inappropriate. It is enough simply to say, "Please don't pound with the hammer on the table. I'll go get your pounding board." If the child doesn't respond, the matter-of-fact statement "If you don't stop, I'll have to take the hammer away for a while" is strong enough. If you have to take the hammer away from her, try to maintain a positive and friendly manner ("I have to put the hammer away for now, but we can bang spoons on this pot"). Your child will realize that the hammer may have to go, but your love and caring remain.

Understanding Your Anger

Even though you will feel angry with your child at times, there is all the difference in the world between believing that your anger is justified (with the result that you reinforce your child's belief that he Is responsible for it) and realizing that anger does not further the goal of giving your child lasting inner happiness and an abiding sense of competence. It is not uncommon for parents to become angry when their child gives them a bad scare. But once you understand that anger makes you less effective as a parent, you will be motivated to hold your anger, thereby relieving your child of the burden of your irate feelings. For example, if you become outwardly furious with your young child who has run dangerously close to the street, feel free to give him an immediate hug and say, "I'm sorry I yelled, honey. You didn't do anything bad--it is my job to make sure you don't go near the street until you are old enough to realize that cars can really hurt you. Let's go back to the playground and swing."

Parents also tend to become angry when their child behaves in a way that is appropriate for his age, but the parent is judging the child's behavior based on what would be unacceptable in an adult. A teen may complain about having to do chores or absentmindedly leave the refrigerator door open, defrosting all the frozen goods. Parents may become angry if they conclude based on this behavior that their teen has become permanently selfish, irresponsible, and disobedient. They would find it easier to dispel or moderate their angry feelings and respond constructively to their teenager if they kept in mind that the developmental pushes and pulls of adolescence typically, though temporarily, make teens forgetful and resistant.

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