Self-esteem is a major key to success in life. The development of a positive self-concept or healthy self-esteem is extremely important to the happiness and success of children and teenagers. This page will share the basics for helping kids and teens to improve their self-esteem. It will also point you to other CDI pages and CDI products that can help you to improve your child's or teenager's self-esteem.

Self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves, and our behavior clearly reflects those feelings. For example, a child or teen with high self-esteem will be able to:

• act independently

• assume responsibility

• take pride in his accomplishments

• tolerate frustration

• attempt new tasks and challenges

• handle positive and negative emotions

• offer assistance to others

On the other hand, a child with low self-esteem will:

• avoid trying new things

• feel unloved and unwanted

• blame others for his own shortcomings

• feel, or pretend to feel, emotionally indifferent

• be unable to tolerate a normal level of frustration

• put down his own talents and abilities

• be easily influenced

Parents, more than anyone else can promote their child's self-esteem. It isn't a particularly difficult thing to do. If fact, most parents do it without even realizing that their words and actions have great impact on how their child or teenager feels about himself. Here are some suggestions to keep in mind.

When you feel good about your child, mention it to him.

Parents are often quick to express negative feelings to children but somehow don't get around to describing positive feelings. A child doesn't know when you are feeling good about him and he needs to hear you tell him that you like having him in the family. Children remember positive statements we say to them. They store them up and "replay" these statements to themselves. Practice giving your child words of encouragement throughout each day.

Be generous with praise.

Use what is called descriptive praise to let your child know when they are doing something well. You must of course become in the habit of looking for situations in which your child is doing a good job or displaying a talent. When your child completes a task or chore you could say, "I really like the way you straightened your room. You found a place for every thing and put each thing in its place." When you observe them showing a talent you might say, "That last piece you played was great. You really have a lot of musical talent." Don't be afraid to give praise often even in front of family or friends. Also, use praise to point out positive character traits. For instance, "You are a very kind person." Or, "I like the way you stick with things you do even when it seems hard to do." You can even praise a child for something he did not do such as "I really liked how you accepted my answer of 'no' and didn't lose your temper."

Teach your child to practice making positive self-statements.

Self-talk is very important in everything we do. Psychologists have found that negative self-talk is behind depression and anxiety. What we think determines how we feel and how we feel determines how we behave. Therefore, it is important to teach children to be positive about how they "talk to themselves." Some examples of useful self-talk are: "I can get this problem, if I just keep trying." "It's OK if our team lost today. We all tried our best and you can't win them all." "It makes me feel good to help others even if the person doesn't notice or thank me." Your child can become an expert at this by listening to Self-Image For Children or Successful Teens. These tapes combine relaxation techniques along with positive self-statements and mental pictures to help kids and teens develop their self-esteem.

Avoid criticism that takes the form of ridicule or shame.

Sometimes it is necessary to criticize a child's actions, and it is appropriate that parents do so. When, however the criticism is directed to the child as a person it can easily deteriorate into ridicule or shame. It is important to learn to use "I statements" rather than "You statements" when giving criticism. For instance say, "I would like you to keep your clothes in the proper place in your closet or drawers not lying all over your room;" rather than saying "Why are you such a lazy slob? Can't you take care of anything?" Please refer to our page, Guidelines for Good Communication With Children for more suggestions. For detailed suggestions on how to get children to act responsibly while achieving a good parent/child relationship, check out Kid Cooperation.