However, there are other measures to be taken to lessen sibling rivalry and tension in families with a handicapped child. Every child deserves a certain amount of quality time with a parent. It needn't be long but it should be undivided. Maybe a short quiet chat before bedtime-or lunch at a special restaurant. And when one of the non-handicapped siblings is involved in a school or community function, the parents should make every effort to be there no matter how much advance planning is required. Should the handicapped child go, too? Take your clue from the youngster who is involved in the function-it's his night. Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.

When One Sibling Is Gifted

Different people, including gifted children, have abilities and talents in different areas. Talk openly about this reality with your children so they can begin to develop appropriate expectations for themselves. You can do this by comparing your own strengths with those of your husband/wife or other family members or friends. There are two important points to be emphasized: (1) Don't expect to be great in everything; (2) recognize and develop those areas of strength you do have, Help your children make similar comparisons among themselves in the hope that they will have greater understanding and respect for each other. ("My brother gets all A's in school but he sure can't hit a baseball.")

It's also okay to mention your weaknesses. This can be especially effective if there is something you don't do as well as your non-gifted youngster. ("I wish I could make brownies as good as yours.")

Above all, honesty and acceptance are the greatest consideration you can give your children when the ways in which they are alike and unlike come under discussion.

Some Useful Behavior Management Strategies

Common Mistakes Parents Make in Managing Sibling Rivalry

• Taking sides such as attempting to punish the child who is at fault, usually the one seen pounding on the other child. (How long has this child put up with the taunting of the other child before taking drastic measures?)
• Ignoring appropriate behavior. Parents often ignore their children when they are playing nicely. They only pay attention when a problem arises. (Behavior Mod 101 teaches that behaviors that are ignored (go un-rewarded) decrease while behaviors which receive attention (are rewarded) increase.

Simple Parenting Techniques That Work

1. When the rivalry progresses to excessive physical or verbal violence OR when the number incidents of rivalry seem excessive, take action. (Action does speak louder than words). Talk with your children about what is going on. Provide suggestions on how they can handle the situation when it occurs such as:

• Ignoring the teasing.
• Kidding back in a way that is humorous.
• Simply agreeing (in a kidding way) that whatever the teaser is saying is true.
• Telling the teaser that enough is enough.
• When these measures aren't working ask the person in charge (parent, baby sitter) for help.

2. When the above does not work, introduce a family plan to help with the situation that provides negative and positive consequences for all concerned such as:

• When there is any fighting or shouting, all involved will have a consequence such as a time out or writing sentences ("I will play nicely with my brother).
• However, when we can go the whole day or afternoon or evening (whatever makes sense for your situation), then everyone will earn a privilege such as (1) you can have a snack, (2) I will read you a story, (3) we will all play a game together, (4) I will play outside with you (catch, etc) or (5) you can stay up later. (Note that several of these provide parental attention for appropriate behavior).

3. Develop a system for evenly distributing coveted privileges. In other words, a system for taking turns for such things as:

• Who gets to ride "shot gun" in the car. (It's amazing how many teenagers and young adult siblings still make this an important issue).
• Who gets to push the button in the elevator;
• Who gets to chose where to go to eat lunch or dinner,
• Who gets to chose the television show,
• Who does the dishes or takes out the trash (rotate on a weekly or monthly basis)