Dear Elaine,

We have a problem in our family that is driving me crazy. We have three children and not one of them ever admits being responsible for anything bad that happens. When I find a problem and ask, "Who did this?" they all blame "not me". No matter what it is, "not me" did it. This seems like lying to me. I am really concerned because they won't own up to what they did. How can I find out which one is responsible unless I punish all three? Do other families have this problem? I would appreciate your help.

Signed: DH

RESPONSE

I would be willing to bet that every family has a "not me" haunting the premises.

I would like to believe that children are responsible for the creation of "not me" but parents are really to blame. We ask ridiculous questions and prompt our children to create "not me". When we ask "Who did this?", we are asking for trouble.

When children are toddlers and we ask "Who did this?" in our best demanding voice, children actually believe that we don't know. And if we don't know, why are they going to tell us. Would you tell someone towering above you who is obviously perturbed if not down right angry, "Yes, I am responsible." Of course not. It is perfectly normal for children to want to protect themselves.

As toddlers, they are not lying when they say "Not me". Reality is very loose for young children. When they see an angry parent demanding to know who did something, children sincerely wish they had not done it. For young children, wishing makes it so. Because they wish they hadn't done it, they believe they didn't.

Adults Teach Kids to Fib

If this process continues, the adult always leads the child into the fib. As the child gets older, the automatic response becomes "not me". We train our children to say "not me" by asking "Who did this?" There are times when children actually forget their transgressions. Children can make messes and create accidents without awareness. When we ask "Who did this", they really don't know that they were responsible.

Observe a child walking through a room. They can bump into furniture and knock things off a table without evening knowing it. Watch a child prepare a snack in the kitchen. There will be milk spilled on the counter, jelly dropped on the floor, and peanut butter smeared on the refrigerator door. The child will not notice anything unless you point it out. Even then, they will not believe that they did it.

Parents ask a few other senseless questions that should be avoided.

• "What happened?"
• "How did this happen?"

These question prompt children to lie. If we know what happened, we look stupid asking. Why should a child volunteer to get in trouble? Besides the adage, "Don't cry over spilled milk,", we need one that says, "Don't ask how it was spilled, either!"

What happened is never as important as "What are we going to do about this?"

Another ridiculous question is "Why did you do it?" Children seldom understand the reason for their actions. If they had a reason when it happened, they have forgotten it by the time parents get involved.

First Reactions are Usually Wrong, ... So Think

These questions are the first things that come to mind for most parents. If our parents demanded to know "Who, what, and why", we find these questions are our first response. These questions focus our anger on the guilty party. Children feel attacked and they will fight back. Do we want the kids to feel guilty, hurt, and angry or do we want them to be responsible for their actions.

To Encourage Responsibility

If we want them to be responsible, they must accept the consequences of their actions. If a mess is made, they must clean it up. If damage is done, they must correct the damage or make restitution. If discipline is required, they must lose privileges for a reasonable time.

Two Simple Steps

• Step Number 1:
  Describe what you see. "I see milk on the counter and peanut butter on the refrigerator. This needs to be cleaned up." If you know who did it, instruct that person to do the clean up. Don't ask or imply that there is any doubt.
  
• Step Number 2:
  Everyone helps. If you are unsure and no one volunteers, instruct all the children to participate in the clean-up.

It is important not to blame any one person. When the children are forced to share consequences because no one will admit their part, the children will make certain that it doesn't happen again. The children may complain but they will also keep each other in check in the future. When they say, "That's not fair!" tell them that life is not fair. Remind them that in a family, everyone cooperates for the good of the family. Not Me might decide to leave.

next: Say NO to Your Kids ... as Little as Possible