Start Small
One of my favorite books when my children were small was The Mothers' Almanac by Marguerite Kelly and Elia Parsons. One section of The Mothers' Almanac is called "Realities" and a subsection of "Realities" is called INDEPENDENCE. According to Kelly and Parsons, "The time you spend shaping an independent child will result in a teenager self-reliant and self-confident enough to be a giver, not a taker.
It Really Pays Off
After twenty years, I am now seeing the results of all the early training. Our children are independent and self-confident and seem to be very happy with themselves. When my kids were small, I worked hard at teaching them to do for themselves even though I was at home with them most of the time. I thought the responsibility of self-care was good for them but I wasn't sure how it would turn out. It had to be better than families where Mother was exhausted and resentful and the rest of the family was downright lazy and
useless.
Time for Training
If my children could be doing something for themselves, I made sure they knew how to do it. There were no rules about "always" or "never". When anyone needed a hand, we helped each other. Doing something for each other became a gift and not an obligation. The time was freely given and the appreciation was always genuine.
What's a MOM for?
By school age, the kids got themselves dressed and ready, made their own sack lunches, and, if they didn't like what their parents were having for breakfast, made their own. During the morning routine, a visiting grandmother once asked me, "Just what do you do?" My first reaction was guilt. It did look bad to her. But that reaction didn't last long. I thought about what I was doing for my kids.
- Listening to them.
- Talking with them about life and life choices.
- Enjoying doing things with them.
- Expressing affection frequently
- Showing them how much we loved and valued them.
- Teaching them how to do for themselves and feel proud of that accomplishment.
That's what I was doing. It seemed a great deal more important to me than making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for school lunches.
Proof is in the Pudding
Soon after Grandmother's question, an interesting event took place. At that time, both children were responsible for their rooms, and this included the sheets on their beds. They were responsible for washing their sheets and making up their beds with clean sheets. Eight year old Chuck complained about this chore every Saturday. One Friday night, he had two friends sleep. As Chuck got clean sheets out of the linen closet for the extra beds, he handed them to his friends and said, "Here are your sheets."
One boy said, "I don't know how to put them on." Chuck immediately replied, "You mean you don't know how to put sheets on a bed? What do you do at home? It's easy. Let me show you." There was such pride in his voice.
Self-reliance and Character
He still complained every Saturday about making his bed, but I knew the complaints weren't important. He was proud of his abilities. It doesn't matter if kids complain about their chores, they are building character. When the kids say, "Why do I have to do this?", answer, "It is good for your character!" and it is.
Other endorsements
Val is the mother of three girls, 7 months, 2, and 3 1/2. The two older girls make their own beds, put their dirty clothes in the hamper, and pick up toys. The 3 1/2 year old helps set the table and helps clean it off. Val started teaching skills by eighteen months of age when the girls could understand simple instructions and begin to carry things. The older girls dress themselves. The 3 1/2 year old chooses her own clothes. The 2 year old is given a choice between outfits. The girls can groom themselves and enjoy helping with pet care. As their mother says, "They are well on the road to independence."
Darleen, another parent, says their two year old has learned to operate the TV and VCR. The two can insert tapes, press the forward or rewind button and play the tapes. Her mother says this saves them from getting up and down all the time. Darleen says it is better than the remote control. They can always find the two year old.
next: Parenting Skills/Discipline
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