Human beings respond to rules in common ways.

We only obey rules or injunctions we want to obey, and we only want to obey those we understand and that seem to have some sound reason. Children are no different. Betty Stewart

Betty Stewart is a family counselor in Houston, Texas with grown sons and grandchildren. Stewart's book, Growing Up Before Your Children Do is subtitled An insightful approach to parenting and indeed, it is. Ms. Stewart has an humane approach to the topic of obedience.

According to Stewart, many adults see their only goal in parenting to be that of creating "obedient" children, by force if necessary. And what exactly is "obedient"? Does an obedient child always come immediately when called wagging his tail behind him? Does an obedient child always fetch and drop on command? Cats and dogs can be trained to such obedience, but children are not animals with limited intelligence.

Children are inquisitive and bright enough to ask "why" and expect an explanation.

They want to understand the rules and injunctions they are expected to follow. They want to think for themselves. This isn't always easy for parents, but who said parenting was easy! According to Stewart, forcing children into blind obedience would have serious consequences.

If children were forced into blind obedience

• They would never learn to think for themselves.
• They would never learn to make decisions for themselves.
• They would never progress in their intellectual ability any further than an average housedog or cat.
• They could be led and commanded by any dictator or cult leader who came along.

Most parents who insist on "obedience" actually want a child that can be commanded by remote-control without any extra effort on the parent's part. These parents are particularly evident when in public.

• They yell a lot.
• They bark commands which their kids naturally ignore.
• Then they get angry from a distance.
• Finally, they yank the kids up and "punish" them for not being "obedient."

Children are not capable of hearing the words and automatically understanding our rules and orders. Ten year olds are just beginning to understand the universal agreement which creates rules and maintains order. A four or five year old is just beginning to understand the reasons for rules that are for the good of the whole family. Children learn what we will and will not allow from what we do, not from the rules we chant.

Cooperation is a better goal than blind obedience.

A healthy parent-child relationship is based on cooperation, not on the competition for power. Strangely enough, families that function on cooperation appear to have the most "obedient" children. In truth, the children know what their parents will not allow and they understand the rules.

From the time a toddler first begins exploring the world, parents are faced with the issue of what will not be allowed. Quite simply, we cannot allow them to do things that might cause damage to themselves, to others, or to property. How?

Lazy parents yell a lot -- "Stop, No, Don't". And they spank or slap a lot when such words do not work. The problem is not a disobedient child, the problem is the parents. There is a better way.

Actions speak louder than words and actions can be kind AND firm.

Kind = respectful, humane, loving. For instance, parents with a toddler can expect that normal, healthy toddler to always be on the move, into everything, often flirting with "danger". The issue is not obedience to commands such as "no", "stop", and "don't".

The real issue is how to teach the child what actions are acceptable and which are not. A toddler will learn that "no" means "this is not allowed" IF parents consistently get up, gently and firmly lead or carry the child away from the situation. Parents are bigger, they simply don't allow the toddler to do unacceptable things.

The toddler WILL scream and howl in protest, but that is what a child does. A child doesn't have to react like an adult. The parents do. Small children will learn to trust such parents, to feel secure in the parents' ability to protect them. They also begin to learn what "no" means.

Obedience is not the issue.

The techniques change as the child gets older but the principle remains the same. If we don't want a child to keep doing something, we don't allow it to be repeated. Demanding obedience is a different matter all together.

Growing Up Before Your Children Do was published by The Haven Corporation, 802 Madison Avenue, Evanston, Illinois 60202 and is no longer in print.

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