Experience from Real-Life Parents of Hard to Raise Kids

Poker chips for an 8 year old

Mary M.

We found rewards and punishments difficult to work with, even though both of us had had plenty of professional experience in this area! We have finally found a system that works with our 8 yr old. J. earns a poker chip (something tangible, that has no calories meets everyone's needs) every time he completes a predefined daily task. (Getting dressed, brushing teeth, taking meds, getting coat and pack for school, putting them away when he gets home, etc)

We give the chips at the moment they are earned, whenever possible, and we keep charge of them--he doesn't really handle them at all. He can earn extra chips for chores. We are very generous with chores. Then, when he has 30 chips, we give him $5. Now, here's the clincher.

We use the "1-2-3 system." If he gets to three and refuses to go to time out, we just say, "That's one dollar." (We usually take it away later, when he has calmed down so as not to throw gasoline on an already raging fire!!)

It works so well. We don't get mad. We just take away a dollar. One day last week he lost seven dollars before he became compliant or at least stopped doing what we wanted him to stop doing. (Compliance is a rare but celebrated event at our house.) But we never got mad, we just kept counting his behavior and charging him dollars. (Luckily, he found a $50 on the street a few months ago, so we have lot's of leverage!)

We provide opportunities for him to spend his money. A side benefit is that he now understands about money. Before, he never really figured out saving up for something. (He still has difficulyty with saving, but he knows that if he wants to go to Funplex, he has to have money to spend when he gets there and he is beginning to make the connection.)

Finally, a tip I learned from another parent ...when J. refuses a chore, we charge him 25 cents. Or if we ask him to go get his shoes and he says "You do it" we tell him that it will cost 25 cents. This really avoids battles. Because there is no way he would ever go up and get those shoes if he didn't want to. We get the shoes, avoid the battle and he gets a consequence.

I just wanted to share this system in case it might work for someone else. Of course, it works for us because it is individually tailored to our son.

Fran K.

No rewards or punishments ever, ever worked with my son. Time outs worked only to the extent that they gave him (and me) a chance to cool down. If it was a minute longer, he'd start plotting revenge, though he never followed through because we'd always talk it out immediately.

The only way I could manage him was to put things in an often arbitrary chronological order which for some amazing reason he never questioned.

Never worked - Bribes: If you put all the toys in the yard into the garage, I'll give you some ice cream.

Never worked - Punishments: I know I promised you some ice cream. If you don't put the toys into the garage like you promised me, you won't get the ice cream.

Almost always worked: I'm ready to dish out some ice cream. Unfortunately there are still toys in the yard, and I can't give you the ice cream until the toys are in the garage.

I sometimes think that it was a question of face-saving with A. Both bribing and punishment emphasized his inferior position, and my ability to control his happiness or misery. When the issue was changed to the timing of activities, he could save face because we didn't discuss whether he would "give in" and do something, just when it would be done.

I love Elaine's comment about everything but breathing being a privilege. Sometimes it seemed like A. wasn't allowed to do much more than breathe when he refused to do X, Y, or Z.

All that, however, was before medication, started a month ago. Now he just says "OK" and follows through nine out of ten times. And the tenth time he offers only a fairly mild protest.

I'm still not sure I'm not dreaming!

Al C.

In setting up the 1-2-3 Magic! style behavior modifications that work with our 6yo ADHD son C., Kathy and I have to be consistent about tying the consequences to his behavior. The times that rewards or holding back of privileges work is when he clearly understands it is his behavior that triggers what privileges he may or may not have, not whether Mommy and Daddy love him or if we're mean [of course, as the Daddy, I am mean ;->].

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