Mom: What happened in school today?

Parents often complain that children refuse to talk. Perhaps it is because parents are such poor listeners. Our intentions are good, but we can say things that literally end communication with our children.

For instance,

A child comes home from school in tears because she has been excluded from a play group during recess. The child starts in with, "I hate them all. Nobody likes me. They never let me play." 

The following dead-end remarks from parents will teach a child NOT to talk.

• "Who was it? What did you do? Did you tell the teacher?"

  The child will start to answer the questions and then become distressed and angry. An upset child will now be angry at the parent who was only trying to help.

• "You know what you should do, you should find other friends."

  Unless the child asked for the advice, it will not be appreciated. An angry child will simply be angrier.

• "Now you know that to have a friend you must be a friend. You must treat others as you wish to be treated."

  Nothing stops a child from talking faster than a sermon. Not only do they stop talking, they stop listening.

• "Those children are not your friends and you must not worry about what they think about you. There are other children to play with."

  If we interrupt a situation for our children, we are bound to be wrong. Our children don't need more demonstrations on how little we really know.

• "Now it isn't so bad. You are just tired and hungry. Eat a snack and you will feel better."

  We are not doing the child a favor by trying to make them feel better, especially with food!

• "Oh, you poor baby. Those awful children shouldn't treat you that way."

  Pity never made anyone feel better. Even though a parent's heart may be aching, pity is never a useful response. The child is excused from solving the problem. This doesn't mean that we can't wipe away tears or offer the comfort of a hug. Everyone needs quiet support.

Children withdraw or get angry at parents who use these responses even though the parent's intentions are good. Communcation stops. Before long, children stop telling the parent anything and swear that their parents never listen.

When a child of any age comes to a parent with a problem, the parent must listen. How?

• The best way to listen is to stop talking.
• Parents need to observe the child and look for feelings, not words. The words are never as important as the feelings the child is expressing.
• Confirm the feeling. When we think we hear what they are feeling, we can check it out with the child. "You are really upset and angry." The child will keep talking.

• questions
• interrogation
• advice
• preaching,
• lecturing
• moralizing
• pity

At this point, most parents literally have to bite their tongue to keep from saying all the dead-end statements. Fortunately, when we don't know what to say, we can be quiet. Silence is often the best response.

When we are silent but attentive, children feel our support and faith in them. As adults, we often need someone to talk to, someone who cares how we feel. As we talk to such a listener, we see how to solve our own problems. Children need the same thing. And if we are patient and quiet, kids can solve their problems as well. Children donÍt need parents to make them feel better; they need to make themselves feel better. If they learn this skill as children, they can do it for the rest of their lives.

We teach our children values and ethics every day in what we do. Actions speak louder, and truer, than words. The time for words is never during a crisis. In quiet moments of love and caring, our children listen to what we say.

Highly Recommended Reading:

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish.

next: When Can Parents Talk So Kids Will Listen?