Bed time, bath time, play time, work time, quiet time, dinner time -- there are so many things to coordinate with our children that we need to make an effort to make our expectations clear. Clear epectations expressed by an adult with a sense of self-control sends a clear message.. Children must sense authority to believe the message.

An adult's authority with children comes from a matter-of-fact attitude about the business at hand. The tone of one's voice, the volume, the pitch, and the purposefulness with which something is said convey authority to a child. If there is a hint of begging or pleading, all authority is lost.

Parents can easily fall into the "nice nice" trap.

If a child is asked to do something in a voice that says, "Hey, I'm being nice, I'm a nice guy, and I really hope you will think so too, SO please, please, please do this without any trouble," the child will seize control of the situation since the adult is obviously not in charge.

There are many choices we can give our children at appropriate ages, but there are some things that simply must be done. If we tell our children to do something, we better say it in a way that lets them know that this is expected, it's not a suggestion. Instead of "It's time to do this," our kids hear, "If you want to.."

We can be kind to children and still be firm. Our expectations must be clear from the beginning. When a child has no choice, no choice should be implied.

For instance, a parent is ready for Billy to get in bed. The tired parent asks, "Billy, are you ready for bed?" Billy thinks, "Well, no I'm not. I think I'll stay up a little longer," and Billy keeps playing. The parent then must try to convince Billy that going to bed would be a good idea. Billy doesn't think so. A confrontation is in the works.

When it is bedtime, parents need to let a child know exactly that. "Billy, it's time for bed. Do you want to choose a story to read or do you want me to tell you one?" Billy knows it is time for bed and he still has a reasonable choice to make on his own.

Another trap parents can fall into without even realizing it is the ridiculous "okay?" added at the end of a command.

"It's time to take your bath, okay?" Adding "okay?" to the end of an order dilutes the authority. Parents use the "okay?" to sound nicer perhaps but clear directions are polite and understood.

A child who hears, "Now eat your lunch, okay?" thinks "Gee, maybe not. No, I don't think I will." I child who hears, "You can finish your lunch in the next five minutes or get down from the table. There will be no snacks," understands the situation.

A parent who stays calm and collected retains authority.

Now, staying calm all the time is impossible, but if a parent knows what he or she will do when the children do not comply with a directive, it is easier to stay calm and in control.

Always assume that the child may not comply. Know what the next step will be BEFORE you voice the request.

A child who refuses to go to bed can be informed that the next bedtime will be moved up half an hour, then given another chance to comply.

A child who is playing at the table can be informed that his plate will be taken from the table unless the unwanted behavior stops immediately. There is no need to scold, beg, or plead. Natural and logical consequences can work wonders. (For more information about discipline that makes sense, see Children: The Challenge by Rudolph Dreikurs.)

Examples

For the child who argues with every parent command, try the "broken record technique." Regardless of what the child says, repeat the original command in exactly the same voice that it was given. Don't start a confrontation, simply repeat the command. This technique essentially conveys, "This is what I said, this is what I mean, it doesn't matter if you don't like it."

There is nothing wrong with being firm as long as it is respectful and kind. In fact, it is necessary.

Unfortunately, there are parents who try to be "nice" without assuming their rightful authority and they often end up yelling and screaming at their children when their children don't respond. Difficult children seldom respond easily. Parenting is never simple but these guidelines are:

• Make your expectations clear.
• Talk like a parent who has self-control and believes in his/her own authority.
• Help the child comply.
• Be prepared if he/she doesn't.

It's all about learning and it takes time. Be consistent and be patient.

next: Begging and Pleading for Mercy Don't Fall for It