Management Techniques for Parenting Children with Difficult Traits - Techniques for Parenting Children with Difficult Traits

Written by Elaine M. Gibson

Locked-in behavior

"Personality like a pit bull. You have to kill him to make him let go."

1. take a stand early and bring it to an end.
2. be neutral -- Don't empty the Emotional Bank Account.* Kindness counts.
3. be firm -- Be an example of self-control, not POWER.
4. label the behavior for the child -- label behavior, not the child.

References

• The Difficult Child by Dr. Stanley Turecki. (Highly recommended. This management plan is from Dr. Turecki's Center for Difficult Children in New York.)
• Behavioral Individuality in Early Childhood by Thomas, Chess, Birch, Hertzig, and Korn, 1963/1971.
• Individual Differences in Children by Chess and Thomas, 1973.
• Temperament and Development by Thomas and Chess, 1977.

Q: Will this change the behavior?

A: It will improve the outcome. Things will not escalate into a full scale war. Everyone will feel better.

Q: If I do this for my child, won't he just get worse? How will he learn to get along in life?

A: Children with these traits have a long way to go. They need to learn skills for adapting to the demands and requests of the environment. If they don't feel psychologically threatened, they are more willing to adapt. As they learn adaptation techniques, they begin to use them for themselves.

Q: What happens when the parent loses control?

A: Parents aren't perfect and many parents have the same traits. A cooling off period and sincere apologies are in order. We can think about how to handle it next time. Parenting difficult children is hard enough without carrying around guilt. Do what you can in the moment and try again.

Q: What if no one understands what I am trying to do?

A: Like they understand now? Give up caring what other people think. It's a waste of time. The only thing that matters is that BOTH parents follow this plan.

Note to Parents of ADD children

While this management guide does not directly address the medical condition of Attention Deficit Disorder, a cluster of these traits is obvious in most ADD individuals. See 30 Tips on Managing ADD at Home by Drs. Hallowell and Ratey.

An evaluation by a psychiatrist who knows what to look for in ADD would be my primary advice. Medication often corrects the neurological imbalances that make these traits seem like personality. As any parent can tell you, the ADD child has been the same way since birth. The management techniques work with ADD kids. After all, they are not doing it on purpose and they need desperately for others to know that.
E. Gibson

next: What Else Can Be Wrong with My Child?