Every emotionally healthy child demands attention. The need for attention is real, a basic part of the survival instinct. A major goal of parenting is supplying the attention that kids must have to create their own sense of identity and self-esteem. Rudolf Dreikurs [Children the Challenge] has stated over and over that 90% of misbehavior is for attention. Denying attention in such situations usually stops the misbehavior. If a parent is constantly having to cope with attention-getting behaviors, ignoring will not be enough of a response. Being ignored may be the root of the problem in the first place. Children must have the attention they need.

Every person, regardless of age, shares the need to be recognized and the need to belong. We meet our childrens' needs for recognition and belonging when we convey to them by our words and actions

1. "You have every right to be here,"
2. "Your needs are OK with me."
3. "I like to hold you."

Jean Illsley Clarke in Self-Esteem: A Family Affair calls these statements "affirmations." We can affirm another person's importance as well as their basic right to exist. As parents, we have this responsibility to our children.

A child's emotional well-being begins with attention paid to basic physcial needs. Children are very good at demanding their primary care needs be met. Babies cry to announce their hunger or other discomforts and rely on the world, the adults nearby, to correct the problem. These demands are necessary for survival. When we meet a baby's physical needs, we recognize the existence of the child. A baby whose needs are ignored, eventually gives up and "ceases to exist". In extreme cases of neglect, such infants stop crying when they are hungry and literally starve to death.

A hungry baby that yells until someone comes with the right source of nourishment knows she has an affect on the world. The world knows that she exists. The world recognizes her needs and approves her right to be here. When physical needs are satisfied, children will demand that their emotional needs be met also. There is no way that a determined-to-survive child will let a parent ignore these needs.

I have good news and bad news. The need to be recognized as a person is so strong, a child will do anything for recognition. Loving, helpful words and actions are preferred, but -- children will take what they can get. Normal children who are ignored until they do "wrong" or "bad" things will continue to repeat the same behaviors because they get attention from such misbehavior. If the parent's attention consists of loud, angry words or severe punishment, that is unfortunate; but any kind of attention is better than none at all.

If children consistently misbehave for attention, the misbehavior becomes a habit. That is the bad news. However, children will behave well if appropriate behavior gets them the attention and recognition they require. Attention and recognition are not the same as bribes and material rewards. Children will perform (behave well) for bribes and material rewards as long as the goodies keep coming. True self-discipline develops when children internalize appropriate behaviors. This process of internalization occurs from repeating the behaviors that consistently bring them the attention and recognition of adults who love them, at home or at school. The behaviors become good habits because they satisfy emotional needs.

One of the best ways to attend to a child is to show the child the same respect we would show an adult. When we look a child in the eye when they are trying to tell us something, we acknowledge them as a person. When we listen to their words and feelings instead of hurrying them up, we are paying attention. When we make an effort to see the good behaviors and describe what we see, we are paying attention to the important traits we wish to encourage. The child feels competent and worthwhile.

When we take time to touch and hug and hold, we are giving our children emotional insurance for the difficult times in life. We eliminate a lot of problems if we pay attention to our children. I know it is work. No one tells prospective parents just how much time this will take. It is a real responsibility of parenthood. There are no short-cuts. We pay attention to our children, one way or the other. The choice is ours.

Note to Parents of ADD children:

According to Paul Wender, MD, Head of Psychiatric Research, University of Utah Medical Center:

Children with ADD are like barrels with holes in the bottom. No matter how much you put in, it is never enough. When they are on the proper medication, the holes no longer exist.

It does take time to fill the barrel but it is possible. This is my experience exactly. REG

next: Too Much Attention -- As Bad as Too Little