Parents can say the most ridiculous things at times. Most of us have been guilty at one time or another of making empty threats or offering fake choices.

Empty Threats

Making threats that can not possibly be carried out is worse than futile. A child dawdles in the morning and a parent, already running late, threatens, "If you don't hurry up, I'm going to leave you!" If this is a real possibiliity (the child is old enough to stay alone or another adult will be staying with the child), the statement is a promise, not a threat.

"If you don't eat the spinach, you are never going to get another meal in this house!" "If you don't pick up your toys, I'm going to give them to another child who will!" "If you don't stop sticking your head out the car window, we are going to leave you at the next rest stop!" Parents who use empty threats never get the desired results.

Children very quickly learn not to believe empty threats.

At best, threats just convince our children that we are feeling helpless. Kids angrily resent threats but they soon realize the truth. A parent who makes such statements has lost control and the kids have won!

Empty threats are a loss of control.

After a parent says something ridiculous as a threat, the child can challenge the threat and prove who is in control. Even if the parent resorts to physical force to make the child comply, the child has won. A wise parent will not make any threat that cannot be carried out. Remember, a promise is different. The results are promised, the child has a choice, and the parent acts.

Children never believe what we say, but they believe everything we do.

Fake Choices

Another common goof is offering choices when there are no choices. We want our children to do something and think that instead of giving an order, we will ask them politely if they want to do something. That's a desirable course of action when the child's response, positive or negative, is acceptable. The problem occurs when we need a specific response.

• "Are you ready to take your bath? ... What do you mean `no'!"
• "Are you ready to come home now? ... Well, you have to anyway!"
• "Would you like to go shopping with me? ... What do you mean later, I have to go now and you can't stay by yourself."
• "What would you like to wear to the birthday party? ... I don't think a swimming suit in February is appropriate. ... I don't care if it is what you want to wear!"

Parents can give children choices, but only acceptable choices.

Children need the experience making decisions, but if there are no acceptable alternatives, parents must never make it seem so.

For example:

• "It is bath time. Would you like plain water or bubbles?"
• "We are leaving in five minutes." (Children need transition time)
• "We are going shopping. I know you do not enjoy this but I will try to be quick. We will be home before your favorite TV program."
• "Would you like to wear your red dress or your yellow overalls to the party?"
• "It is time for bed in 10 minutes."

Note -- Given a choice, creative children will come up with a third or fourth alternative. A wise parent will consider the alternatives and allow the child that privilege. Sometimes a compromise is in order. Negotiation is a skill all children need to learn and the best place for learning is at home.

Remember, watch what you say -- your kids are listening for mistakes. No empty threats, no fake choices.

next: General Guidelines for Parenting or First Rule: There Are No Rules