Adult messages and kids' perceptions
Children have a pure "sense of knowing" when it comes to dealing with adult communications. No matter what we say, children KNOW what we mean. Sometimes children seem to have extra sensory perception in "reading" adults. Without debating ESP, we know that children do not rely on spoken words to understand the meaning of adult messages.
Words aren't necessary
We all communicate in ways other than words. One researcher has said that only 7% of communication is verbal, or in words. Vocal expression, such as volume, pitch, and rhythm, account for 38% of any message. The remaining 55% of communication is through body movements, most of which are facial expressions. Without understanding language, babies can understand parental messages at a very early age.
Children rely on the 93% of non-verbal communication to tell them what is going on. That is why children demand face-to-face communication and prefer eye contact when talking.
Straight messages
As children become proficient in language, they expect straight messages from the people who care for them. A straight message is one in which words, vocal expression, and body movements are all congruent. Children need the congruency to feel secure and safe. If the message is not straight, if the words say one thing but the tone and facial expression say another, the child is confused. When children are confused, they feel threatened.
Dishonest messages
Parents send messages that are not straight in at least two circumstances:
- when they try too hard to be a perfect parent
- when they try to protect their child from experiencing negative feelings.
Suppressing "bad" feelings
Perfect parents never feel angry, annoyed, frustrated, or aggravated with their children. Perfect parents do not exist; normal parents DO get annoyed, aggravated, frustrated, and angry. When normal parents have such negative feelings, they sometimes try too hard to control the feelings. "Trying too hard" means suppressing the feelings and not admitting that one really feels some way. Parents sometimes think that saying, "I am not angry", will somehow prove that they are not a parent who gets angry because only bad parents get angry with their children.
Useless cover-ups
Negative feelings can not be denied. If we are feeling frustrated or angry, we need to understand why and work on the cause. Covering up with sweet words through clenched teeth is not healthy, for parent or child! Besides, children just plain won't buy the cover-up. They know what we are feeling regardless of the words we use. It is better to express genuine feelings, even when they are negative. Children become confused and anxious when trying to respond to ambiguous or contradictory messages.
Good and angry
Genuine feelings need to be expressed without regard for appearances. It is better to be good and angry than to try to be a "good" parent that never gets angry. Children don't expect perfect parents; they do expect parents who are honest about their feelings. Children are not fragile. They can handle honest negative feelings better than sugar sweet words that are meant as a disguise for true feelings.
If it's not okay, say so
Communication problems also develop when parents try to protect their children from negative situations by giving "everything is okay" messages when nothing is really okay. The children always know that something is wrong. Their imaginations can actually create situations more stressful than the truth. It is silly to tell children "everything is just fine" when it is not. Children can see the truth, regardless of what we say.
Explain the truth
When something serious is going on in a family, it is better to explain the situation than to let the children assume that they are causing the problem. Parental statements intended to hide difficult situations cause children to feel terribly insecure. Feelings simply cannot be hidden from children. When parents are upset, nervous, worried, or troubled and trying to hide such feelings, the children will automatically think they (the kids) are to blame.
Tough kids
Again, children are not fragile. They deal better with the truth than they do with mixed messages. As parents, we need to make sure that what we are saying matches what we are feeling. Our children know the difference.
next: A Quiet Parent Makes a Good Listener
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