World is difficult for some kids

While Janey's parents will have a hard time keeping her safe in spite of her sense of adventure and Janey will experience many consequences as a result of her behavior, Billy is the child who will come to see the world as a difficult place.

If Billy's parents had a personality to match his, they would understand that he needed time to get used to new things. They would understand his need to remain close to them until he is comfortable in new surroundings. They would allow him the time and the protection he needs without forcing him to participate too soon.

He came this way!

His usual first reaction is to withdraw from or avoid new situations and he has trouble adapting to changes. Billy's parents, however, find his behavior hard to tolerate and are embarrassed by his responses.

Slow to warm up kids

Researchers in temperament studies call this reaction "slow to warm up." This has nothing to do with being male or female. If the slow-to-warm-up child is a girl, our culture is more tolerant. When the slow-to-warm-up child is a boy, like Billy, he is often subjected to ridicule for being a sissy, coward, or baby.

This is unfortunate because there is nothing wrong with being slow-to-warm-up. If given a chance to get used to things gradually, to adapt at a slower rate than the average person, these children WILL accept new things and adapt to changes. If they are forced beyond their comfort zone, they will be stressed emotionally and become even more resistive.

Billy's father is afraid that Billy will never "act like a man." Frustrated in his efforts to force Billy to accept the zoo experience, Dad berates Billy for his natural response. Billy will have to cope with his fears and with his father's rejection. Billy's future does not look promising.

Slow to warm up kids need understanding and time

Adam is another three year old who is visiting the zoo for the first time. His parents have watched him for three years and they know he needs time to get used to new things. When Adam needs to be carried to feel safe, they pick him up and say, "This is all new and unusual. Let's sit on the bench over here and spend some time looking around before we see the animals."

On the bench, they talk to Adam about everything he is seeing and smelling and hearing and wait for him to make the next move. They don't care how many animals they see in one day. They know this is Adam's day.

Eventually Adam begins to feel comfortable and wants to see the elephants. They hold Adam's hands and walk to the elephant's area. Instead of walking up to the rail, they stop at a bench when the elephants come into view. After a few minutes, Adam wants to see closer. His dad picks him up and they walk slowly to the rail. Adam loves the elephants.

Although they didn't see much of the zoo that day, the next trip will be better. On the way home, Adam talked about how much fun he had and how he wanted to go back tomorrow. Billy's experience was not so pleasant.

Helping the slow to warm up child

Slow-to-warm-up children need understanding and time. They don't like surprises and need advance warning before things change. As they get older, they will learn coping skills and adapt to the pressure demands of society, but when they are small, they need our help, understanding, and patience.

Accepting children "as is"

While most children are somewhere in between, the extremes do exist. These extreme approach/withdrawal behaviors are difficult for parents. For children, it is their natural response. They aren't doing it on purpose.

next: Consequences Work But not When Dealing with Untreated ADD