Navigating The Social World For Young Adults With Social Anxiety

Written by Dr. Steven Richfield

A parent writes: Our nineteen year old son is so shy and withdrawn that he can't bring himself to interact with peers and most adults. We worry that he has social anxiety and don't know how to help him.

The transition between adolescence and adulthood is rarely a seamless one. The challenges of college life, work experience, and socialization pose significant stress for even a resourceful person. When social anxiety impairs passage through this critical phase of life, maturation stalls as if stuck in a mental trap of insecurity and indecision. Without the ability for smooth conversation and personal engagement, adulthood appears as a minefield impossible to cross. Parents watch helplessly as their adult child remains nested at home, uncertain of what role is best for them to take.

If this agonizing situation is uncomfortably familiar, consider these coaching tips to start the launch process:

• Empathize with their social discomfort while expressing confidence that they can overcome this hurdle. Instill hope by reminding them of the small steps they have already taken in the social world. Help them craft a series of "conversational pathways" they can refer to when faced with recurring situations, such as visits by friends/relatives, attendance at college classes, or casual contact with neighbors. Explain how Question-Answer-Comment (QAC) is a helpful acronym to keep in mind as they interact. Questions demonstrate interest in the other person, answers open up topics for elaboration, and comments show engagement in the discussion. Insist upon practicing with them so that QAC becomes a sustained habit.
• Inquire about the background of worries and preconceptions that perpetuate the anxiety and withdrawal. Parents are often unaware that mistaken notions, such as the belief that comments must always be factually correct, have become woven within the anguished mental web of social anxiety. Worries that they will be perceived as intrusive or annoying if they ask reasonable questions or bring up past topics paralyze conversational initiative and leave them appearing disinterested in others. Suggest they reveal their beliefs about social exchange and that the two of you can separate the helpful from the unhelpful and untrue.
• Use visual diagrams and simple language to explain how others step in and out of social situations with relative ease and comfort. Draw a large circle on a page to symbolize a "situation circle" and write examples of various social rules that are in place, such as eye contact, firm handshake, friendly greeting, and clear and appropriate volume voice. Explain how these rules change or may be added to depending upon what is in place within another circle. Emphasize the importance of using their eyes, ears, and judgment to determine the rules within various situations. Discuss past situations that both of you have experienced and see how well they can identify the rules in place.
• Review and identify the subtle social signals that others have sent to them, and those that they have unwittingly sent to others. Social anxiety impedes the ability to accurately read and respond to the embedded messages that are routinely sent within their generation. Directness is downplayed in the digital age as technology tends to shroud messages in gray. Explain how warm greetings and chit chat is vital in today's world and it should be positively interpreted and reciprocated. Clarify how monosyllabic responses, even to yes/no answers, can be easily misinterpreted as dismissive or cocky. Continue this thoughtful collaboration if they are amenable, and encourage professional help if they are not.

Dr Steven Richfield is an author and child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA Contact him at 610-238-4450 or This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

Ed. note: Detailed information on parenting skills here.

Visit Dr. Steven Richfield's site The Parent Coach, right here at HealthyPlace