Restoring Trust In Your Child After A Trust Rupture

Written by Dr. Steven Richfield

We've lost our trust in our 12 year old daughter after a recent event and don't know where to go from here. Help!

The challenges of parenting pose many critical decision points that test our wisdom and resolve. One of the more vexing situations awaits us when children or teens commit a serious behavioral error that alarms us with shock, worry, and anger. Parent routinely think, "I never thought my kid would ever do this sort of thing," and this ushers in the process of punishing and lecturing as if to remove any trace of the behavior. Common triggers include infractions that involve drugs, sex, academic dishonesty, patterned deceit, violence, or another behavior that falls upon the parental "hot button list." In some cases punishment resets the child's moral compass; in others, it only makes matters worse by setting the stage for protracted parent-child conflict.

Consider the following coaching tips if you are in the process of restoring trust in your child after a rupturing event:

Don't overlook the need to understand the behavior and its origins. Although meaningful consequences are vital to ensure your child experiences the costs of misbehavior, it's just as vital to explore the factors that led them to it. The temptations posed by peers or circumstances, buried feelings of resentment, or struggles to cope with what they perceive as intolerable situations are some of the possible reasons underlying transgressions. Examine the possibilities before pronouncing punishment. Kids are more likely to reveal the background factors at the point of discovery if parents take an inquisitive approach that stresses the need to hear the whole story. Once this is completed, emphasize that these issues don't excuse them nor prompt you to waive punishment, but helps pinpoint the reasons and thereby build healthy coping skills to rely upon in the future.

Discuss their reactions at having been discovered and experiencing the privilege restrictions. Some kids use indignation as a defense against the parent following a trust rupturing event. They take umbrage in the expectation that once their penalty has been served all will revert back to normal and the parent will trust them again. Try to prevent this from happening by offering the following warning, "This situation is straining our relationship because you have lost our trust and we have punished you for it. It can get even worse between us if you don't understand that earning back our trust is not automatic after the punishment is over. Building back trust requires that we keep talking to one another about what happened, how and why it happened, what you're going to do differently next time, and that you demonstrate trustworthy behaviors in other areas of life."

Educate them about how trust building extends beyond the original issues that got them in trouble. Anticipate that they may feign ignorance or loudly protest when parents expand the discussion to include other concerns. Don't engage in defending your right to define how trust is restored. Explain how trust is not rebuilt like a specific privilege is returned but slowly returns as behavior warrants it. Emphasize how honesty and responsibility become more in focus following a rupturing event, as does the need for them to share more about what is going on in their lives outside of the home. Prepare them for more questions about their interactions, decisions, and actions, and your expectation that they will provide more than one word answers. It is especially important that they accept the need to continue this open and honest dialogue after the gradual return of privileges.

Don't hesitate to bring trusted third parties into the mix if your child is stonewalling you. Some parent-child dyads don't adequately handle the pressure of a trust rupture, and core relationship damage ensues. If this seems imminent solicit help from an enlightened relative or an experienced professional.

Dr Steven Richfield is an author and child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA Contact him at 610-238-4450 or This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

Ed. note: Detailed information on parenting skills here.

Visit Dr. Steven Richfield's site The Parent Coach, right here at HealthyPlace