Coaching The Overly Controlling Parent

Written by Dr. Steven Richfield

A teen writes: My father is a total control freak and I can't stand it, and can't even talk to him. It's like he doesn't even know me, and probably won't ever.

Among the challenges endured while raising children is one that is often not easily acknowledged by some parents: a controlling personality that eventually drives a wedge between you and your kids.

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Controlling parents place emphasis on obedience and respect even if these values are at the expense of secure and safe relationships with children and/or teens. "Control parents" create an overbearing watchfulness within the home, inhibiting spontaneity and cultivating an abiding fear of disapproval and punishment. Behavior problems are likely to develop as years pass even if children conform at younger ages. Retaliatory disobedience at home and surprising willfulness outside of the home often result from stifling of a child's autonomy.

If these issues resonate with what sometimes feels like a "parenting police state" at your home, consider the following coaching points to breathe some freedom into your role:

Open your mind to what factors have shaped this stress upon authoritarian control as a parent. Quite often it is rooted in one's own upbringing and the self-serving notion that goes something akin to, "I turned out just fine with parents who did the same to me." Keep in mind that others may not agree with this statement, such as your spouse or children, and perhaps even your own parents! Consider that dictatorships often topple and that children are best not raised in the image of a parent, but with a deep appreciation for their individuality. Control parenting sometimes substitutes for two-way conversation and understanding in a parent who may have received too little of these as a child.

Try to be honest with yourself when you question how your children feel about the control you exert over their lives. Next, invite your children to be brutally honest with you when you ask them the same question. Prepare for some of your own feelings to hurt if your kids can truly dish it out, but resist the urge to defend yourself. Instead, thank them for their courage and convictions, and watch the sense of surprise in their faces. Diplomatically discuss some of the issues that surface and where you can sensibly release some of the unnecessary control you wield over their lives, and what feels to them like their identity. Pledge to have more of these "control check point discussions" where you can openly consider their opinions.

Prepare to take pleasure in the individuality of your child that begins to flourish at home once they feel safe to express their true nature in your company. Children of controlling parents have learned long ago that they must suppress aspects of themselves or face censure. If you have shed the controller within your role this will allow new behaviors and add depth to your interactions. The adjustment period may feel awkward and unusual at first but will be worth it since the costs of control will no longer hang like a haunting over the relationship, and this new relief will pave the way for healthy relationships with them as adults.

Dr Steven Richfield is an author and child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA Contact him at 610-238-4450 or This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

Ed. note: Detailed information on parenting skills here.

Visit Dr. Steven Richfield's site The Parent Coach, right here at HealthyPlace

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