Coaching Empathic Discipline To Disjointed Parents
One of the daunting tasks of raising children arrives when parents determine that punishment is in order for an infraction of the rules but the type and degree is in question. Often there is disagreement between mothers and fathers about this matter with one supporting leniency and the other favoring more punitive measures. This lack of agreement leads to inconsistency and results in children living under two disciplinary umbrellas. Disjointed parenting makes it more likely that children will do
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If you and your co-parent are guilty of disjointed discipline consider the following coaching tips to make empathy a cornerstone of consequences:
Resist the urge to "punish first, ask questions later" since this only serves to silence the child and increase the risk of acting out later. When a parent asks the child to tell their side of the story and express understanding of the feelings and circumstances underlying a problem behavior the child is far more likely to the listen to what the parent has to say. Before deciding on punishment, consider all the factors that have shaped the behavior. Let your child hear how you are evaluating the circumstances and emphasize how these factors influence how parents determine punishment. If children refuse to take part in the discussion suggest that feelings are getting in the way of letting you better understand why they committed the misbehavior, and the best way to stop feelings from getting them in trouble is to calmly talk them out .
Seek a corrective form of discipline that emphasizes the feelings and attitudes surrounding problem behaviors. Disrespect, sibling conflict, or mistreatment of peers, to name just a few, does not occur in isolation. Feelings of unfairness, jealousy, and retaliation often enter into the dynamic interplay of circumstances and individuals. Guide your child in identifying the feelings that were triggered and how "feelings history" enters into the mix. Offer the following: "Feelings can have a history to them if they tend to become triggered by specific situations or people. These patterns are like traps where uncontrolled feelings lead you into trouble." Explain how the consequences to be applied will ask them to consider which feelings and patterns are part of the trouble, and what they can do to avoid these traps. Give them examples of such problem solving activities such as writing, recording messages to themselves, and other forms of media as methods to document their lessons.
If possible it is best if both parents agree on an approach that frames the discipline, and thereby offers greater consistency. One approach is Agree- Empathize - Consequence/Problem Solve. This entails suspending any talk of punishment at first. Then request that your child tell their side of the story and find something to agree with in order to reassure them of your love and wish to understand. Second, express your knowledge of how hard it is for them to resist the problem behavior given the circumstances but how they need to work on ways to solve the problem from repeating itself. Provide a consequence such as a temporary privilege removal tied to a problem solving activity. Be sure to review the activity with them before the privilege is restored to ensure it is a sincere effort to review the lessons and remind themselves of ways to avoid their specific trouble traps in life.
Dr Steven Richfield is an author and child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA Contact him at 610-238-4450 or This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
Ed. note: Detailed information on parenting skills here.
Visit Dr. Steven Richfield's site The Parent Coach, right here at HealthyPlace
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reviewed by:
Harry Croft, MD (Psychiatrist)
Medical Director, HealthyPlace.com
Created on November 09, 2010 Last Updated on July 06, 2011
In Parenting
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