Speaking Out for Yourself: A Self-Help Guide - Gather Support of Others and Target Your Efforts

Written by Mary Ellen Copeland, M.S., M.A.

Jane, a woman in her thirties, had always had trouble speaking up for herself. She was often harassed at her workplace, a large discount store, by a co-worker. This co-worker teased her about her disability and went out of her way to make Jane's job hard for her. She had not spoken up about this for fear of losing her job.

Goal: Get better treatment from her co-worker without losing her job.

• To be achieved in one month

• Ask her friends, family, healthcare provider to get recommendations on how to proceed.
• Call the state agency of protection and advocacy or the Job Accommodation Network at (800) 526-7234 and get recommendations on how to proceed. (see Resources in back of booklet)
• Ask her co-worker to stop harassing her (teasing her about her disability and making her job hard for her).
• If necessary, file a complaint with her employer to ask that the harassment be stopped, or ask to be moved to a position away from her co-worker.
• Read books on assertiveness dealing with difficult people.

Gather support.
It is easier and usually more effective to work on getting what you want and need for yourself if you have the support of one or several friends, family members, or health care providers. You may even want to start or join a group of people with issues similar to yours such as a self-help or peer support group. If necessary, call your protection and advocacy organization for support. A good supporter is someone who:

• you like, respect, and trust, and who likes, respects, and trusts you
• allows you the space to change, grow, make decisions, and even mistakes
• listens to you and shares with you, both the good and the bad time
• respects your need for confidentiality so you can tell them anything
• lets you freely express your feelings and emotions without judging, teasing, or criticizing
• gives you good advice when you want and ask for it, assists you in taking action that will help you feel better, and works with you to figure out what to do next in difficult situations
• accepts help from you when they need it
• you want to be with, but don't desperately need to be with
• doesn't ever take advantage of you

Tell them you are working on becoming a better advocate for yourself. Ask them if they would be willing to help you in this effort by listening to you, giving you advice and feedback from time to time, and being with you when you are taking some difficult steps. If they agree, put their names and phone numbers on a list and post it in a convenient place where you can easily find these phone numbers when you need them. However, don't overwhelm your supporters with your problems and needs. And be there for them when they need your help.

Keep in mind that even the very best friend may inadvertently let you down from time to time. No one is perfect. Try to forget the incident and continue with the good relationship you have.

Target your efforts.
Who do you need to deal with to get action on this matter? Talk directly with the person or people who can best assist you. It may take a few phone calls to discover which organization, agency, or person can help, and to find who is in charge, but it is worth the effort. Keep trying until you find the right person. Maybe the right person is someone as close as your spouse or another family member. It could be the head of your local town council. Perhaps it is a State official. It might even be a Congress person. Maybe it is the head of the company you work for. Keep going up the chain of command until you reach the person that can help you. Remember that you are a very important and valuable person, and insist that the right person make the time to deal with you and your issues. Treating the person who is helping you in a respectful way will help you to get what it is you need for yourself.

continue: If You Want Something, You Have to Ask For It