Speaking Out for Yourself: A Self-Help Guide - Advocating for Yourself Even When Others Need to Take Over

Written by Mary Ellen Copeland, M.S., M.A.

Addressing Daily Issues

Speaking up for yourself sometimes will be needed on a more personal and subtle level. Maybe you have a friend who talks too much. Maybe your child is having trouble at school and you think the teacher is blaming the child. Maybe you got a bill for more than what you were told you'd be billed. Maybe your doctor, or some other health care provider, has made disparaging remarks, such as "Do you really think you need this appointment?" Maybe your spouse always talks you out of doing something that you want to do by saying something, like "You're no good at that, I'll do it." Maybe your neighbor is accusing you of a problem you are not responsible for. Maybe your landlord hasn't fixed something he says he would.

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Everyone has these kinds of problems. Having to advocate for oneself is a fact of life. Consider the following list of actions you can take to speak up for yourself:

• take a class in conflict resolution or assertiveness. Learn how to calmly, firmly, and effectively speak for yourself
• join a self-help, or peer support group, because there is power in collective action
• call a mediator
• consult a lawyer or advocacy agency
• tell your friends, family, and neighbors what is going on. Spread the word
• take a friend with you when you must stand up to an aggressive person
• consider how you would want to see someone else handle the situation, then follow your own advice

When advocating for yourself, avoid:

• taking out all your frustration on one person or the wrong person or situation
• breaking the law
• anger and/or threats
• "one-upping" anyone or doing things that will make the situation worse
• giving up

When Others Need to Take Over

Part of being a good advocate for yourself means making advance plans for what you want and need others to do for you when you are not able to do things for yourself. Certainly, you hope that this will never be necessary, that you will always be able to take care of yourself. However, even with your best intentions and efforts, this may not be the case. While difficult times may lessen in frequency or intensity as you learn how to better manage severe symptoms, they may continue to be an issue from time to time.

When you are feeling well, write a plan that describes what you want others to do for you when you cannot take care of yourself. This keeps you in control even when it feels like things are out of control. Laws about the legality of these documents differ from state to state. Check with your attorney or the Protection and Advocacy Agency in your State to see what kind of document is legal in your State. Even if the document is not legal in your State, it will be a helpful guide for your chosen supporters.

Begin by learning about all treatment options suggested including information that expresses a variety of viewpoints. Discuss them with your physician and other health care professionals.

Think about things that have been helpful or not helpful in the past.

Then develop a document that might be called a Document of Treatment Preference, Mental Health Advanced Directive, or a Crisis Plan.

You can get a copy of a model form. (See Resources). Discuss your plan with your doctor or health care provider. Include the following information:

• a list of those symptoms that show others you can no longer care for yourself or make good decisions in your own behalf
• the names of people whom you would want to take over for you, like family members, friends, and health care providers (designate whom you would want to make final decisions if your supporters can't agree)
• medications you are currently taking, those that might be used in a crisis, and those that must be avoided
• treatments and treatment facilities that would be helpful and those that should be avoided
• a plan for being cared for in your home or in the community
• things that others can do that would help you to feel better and things that might make you feel worse
• chores or tasks you need others to take over for you like, child and pet care and paying bills
• a listing of indications that you are well enough to take care of yourself and that your supporters no longer need to follow this plan.

Sign and date the plan. Give each of your supporters, your health care providers and your doctor a new copy of the plan each time you change it.

Give copies of this plan to anyone who might be assisting you now. Update your plan as necessary.

In Closing

Speaking out for yourself often is difficult. Give yourself a pat on the back for each action you take. When you do something that is very hard or that is a major accomplishment, give yourself a treat, like taking a walk, calling a friend, or visiting a museum. Don't be discouraged by setbacks. Applaud yourself for starting again. And always keep in mind -

You are a unique and valuable person. You have the right to speak out for yourself, to protect your rights, and to insist that others treat you well.

Source: Center for Mental Health Services

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