Lonely Nation: Americans Try to Connect in a Country Where Isolation Is Common

Lonely Nation: Americans Try to Connect in a Country Where Isolation Is Common

(August 05, 2006) -- In bleak nursing homes and vibrant college dorms, in crowded cities and spread-out suburbs, Americans confront an ailment with no single cause or cure.

Some call it social isolation or disconnectedness. Often, it's just plain loneliness.

An age-old ailment, to be sure, and yet by various measures - census figures on one-person households, a new study documenting Americans' shrinking circle of intimate friends - it is worsening.

It seems ironic, even to those who are affected. The nation has never been more populous, soon to reach the 300 million mark. And it has never been more connected - by phone, e-mail, instant message, text message, and on and on.

Yet so many are alone in the crowd.

"People are increasingly busy," said Margaret Gibbs, a psychologist at Fairleigh Dickinson University. "We've become a society where we expect things instantly, and don't spend the time it takes to have real intimacy with another person."

Some Americans are making a new commitment, getting reconnected in groups or one-on-one and combating a phenomenon that can take a heavy toll on communities and individuals.

In its most pronounced forms, loneliness is considered a serious, even life-threatening condition, heightening the risks of heart disease and depression. A sense of isolation can strike at almost any age, in any demographic sector - parents struggling to adjust to their grown children having moved away, divorcees unable to rebuild a social life, even seemingly self-confident college students.

John Powell, a psychologist at the University of Illinois counseling center, says it's common for incoming freshmen to stay in their rooms, chatting by computer with high school friends rather than venturing out to get-acquainted activities on campus.

"The frequency of contact and volume of contact does not necessarily translate into the quality of contact," Powell said.

The trend toward isolation surfaced in the last U.S. census figures, which show that one-fourth of the nation's households - 27.2 million of them - consisted of just one person, compared to 10 percent in 1950.

In June, an authoritative study in the American Sociological Review found that the average American had only two close friends in whom they would confide on important matters, down from an average of three in 1985. The number of people who said they had no such confidant soared from 10 percent in 1985 to nearly 25 percent in 2004; an additional 19 percent said they had only one confidant - often their spouse.

"That may be the most worrisome thing," said Lynn Smith-Lovin, a Duke University sociologist who co-authored the study. "If you lose that one person, because the relationship declines or the person dies, you have no one to support you."

The study suggested an array of possible causes - including an increase in working/commuting hours and expanding use of the Internet to stay in touch with other people, lessening the need for face-to-face contacts.

"We e-mail each other rather than calling or meeting, so there can be a sense of connection but also a loss of actual time spent with friends and families," Gibbs said.

Mid-Life Singles

Karina Penaranda was at Mass in 2002 when it dawned on her that her peers at her Roman Catholic church in Phoenix - single adults 35 to 60 - had no fixed place in the diocese's social orbit.

"There were groups for elderly people, marriage encounters for couples - and youth groups are everywhere," said Penaranda, who is in her 40s. "Once single people reach this age they don't have a community. They don't really have a place to go where they can share their hopes and dreams."

With a few other parishioners, Penaranda founded a group called Catholic Singles Ministry. It now draws scores of people from to twice-yearly retreats and to events ranging from prayer breakfasts to bowling nights to food-bank volunteer work.

"We have people who've been divorced, been widowed, never been married," she said. "At our retreats we talk about loneliness, relationships. ... You know that you're not alone in going through this journey."

Penaranda, a project manager for a bank, has never been married. She savors socializing, but it takes conscious effort.

"The busyness in people's lives is one of things that prevents it," she said. "That happens to me - I get immersed in work, and have to step back and say, 'Time out.'"

One of Penaranda's colleagues in the ministry, Monica Smith, said community service is a key element. "We're reaching out to others in our singleness, our aloneness," she said. "It gives us, without family, without children, a greater sense of belonging."

Church activities for singles have proliferated nationwide, notably at megachurches. At Parkcrest Christian Church in Long Beach, California, about 150 of the 2,500-member congregation participate in a group for singles aged 35 to 65.

"They're looking to connect with other people in a society that's geared to married people, to people with families," said the Rev. Jim Vlahos, Parkcrest's singles minister.

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Last updated: 08/06

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Lonely Nation: Americans Try to Connect in a Country Where Isolation Is Common

Mid-Life Singles