5/16/01
Sorry that it's been awhile... In part, because I haven't been doing well...but, also, because, for the past few weeks , i have been working really hard at trying to get this back under control... I have been working with my former therapist...(which I know some of you may not agree with this choice), but I was at the point where I needed to make a choice, I knew that I could not do this alone, and she is the only person that I felt could help me.... We have discussed this choice, and have so far been able to work together pretty well... things are alot different this time... and what is important is that I feel okay with it... we are focusing on alot of things from my past childhood and happenings within the last 12years that led me to where I am now...I am learning that I am not this bad ,helpless person.. who has managed to single-handedly ruin my life... only that I need to find better ways to handle the past and the present stresses in my life...I am back to meal-planning, which I hate, but it is what is necessary to be sure that I am eating enough... the weight thing is happening slowly... and I am thankful... this lets me focus on what I need to work on to get past the rest... I trully hope that when I learn to handle the rest of my life... that the eating will not be my main issue anymore... Right now... I am not focusing on "bad"food terms... or even fear foods... I am trying to accept food for what it is... it is not always easy.... but I know this is what I need to do... It's not the food that makes us feel bad... it's our ideas about the food... I am kind of riding a roller-coaster with my feelings right now... and learning to express feeling has always been hard for me... so I am struggling... I could cry at any time... but I am working hard... I've got to get it this time... I can't keep going back and forth... it is taking a toll on my body... it seems like I am having a harder time bouncing back this time.... that's scary... I don't want to have health issues just because I have been unwilling to take care of my body.... well, I gotta go... please keep me in your prayers... this recovery thing is hard work... but I do know that keeping the ED is even harder.... letting go , whenI've been able to... is so much more comforting to the soul....

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