4/16/01
Well, so what to tell you… This weekend sucked, I moved in, trying to get everything unpacked, my parents are on vacation. So I am all alone. I did eat, I had a garden burger and a muffin on Sat, went to lunch w/ my grandparents for Easter, ate a salad, some beef, ¼ a roll, Dr pepper, mashed potatoes. And then I had 1/4 of a mini pizza, not quite a slice, I think, and another muffin last night. But as of today, I am fasting. Juice fasting, actually, so I am not going to be eating. I am allowed juice and water, no solids. I went off laxatives, gained 2 lbs, but I know it’s only water and I can lose it for sure. And it’s so much healthier this way. Phhhh, listen to me talk about healthy! But, it is… I’m past the constipated stage of laxative withdrawal, thank goodness, didn’t even weigh myself then, I didn’t want to know. So I guess I didn’t do too much damage in my little foray into laxative bulimia, which is definitely good. I am SO tired… I think when I go home tonight I’ll take a nap, then work on my room, that sounds good… If I eat a rice cake, I can have caffeine, but it makes me SO sick on an empty stomach, I don’t know if I’ll risk taking pills on a fast… Yeah, okay, that’s about it. Exhaustion, no eating, caffeine pills.

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4/17/01
Okay, it has now been… 36 hrs. since I ate. I am really not feeling that bad, as I had ½ glass of juice yesterday. I know, this is dreadful. I tried to eat supper last night, made food twice, but I just… couldn’t. The only thing is that I am SO tired. Very, very tired. That’s my only complaint. But I am going to skip Bible Study tonight, go home, finish organizing (almost done!) and then go to BED. So I should be okay. It doesn’t help that I have not gotten more than 6 hrs. of sleep any night of this week. Come to think of it, I probably didn’t last week, either. SO what I am dealing with is a major case of sleep-deprivation. That’s all…

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4/18/01
I got a post in comments saying I am insane… do you all think I’m crazy? I’m not really, it’s just that everything I do is completely analyzed and intellectualized- It’s not like I talk like I write, a journal is a place where you are supposed to mull through things. Anyway, I hope you all don’t think I’m crazy…

So anyway, I haven’t eaten in… 62 hours. I feel like crap. Tried to eat pasta salad last night, couldn’t choke down a blasted bite. So that’s it. I am trying to figure out what to do with my car if I enter treatment. I think I will have to sell it, there’s no way I’ll make it another month and a half, which is how long it’s going to take me to raise 6 months payments. I figured it out- if they make me stay until I am at 90% of my IBW, which is 120, and I gain 1.5 lbs a week, which is wishful thinking, because especially at first there’s no WAY I’ll gain that fast, I’m looking at 5 months. Which means I will probably be there for 4-6 months, although I’m not sure, and that depends on how much I eat, especially at first. So I guess I have to sell my car, which makes me really mad, unless I can get like a loan extension? Which I’m not sure even exists. Or maybe my parents would loan me 1500 dollars or so? Which would give me enough for 8 months, with enough left over for a plane ticket. I have to go see Carolyn today; this is going to be our topic of conversation. “Treatment Options” Do you know what I wish? I wish money wasn’t an issue, that I could go wherever I wanted to, but unfortunately, I don’t have $100,000 lying around, so I suppose it is a very large issue. And I’m still not even sure if I qualify for this program, I haven’t actually talked to the people. But it says on their website that I have to meet the diagnostic criteria, so here it goes-

The following are required for the diagnosis of anorexia nervosa: -Being underweight (less than 85% of ideal body weight.)

Yep, I’m at what, 65%?

-Loss of menstrual periods, or menses present only following hormone administration (e.g. estrogen or birth control pills)

Haven’t had a period since October

-Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat, even though underweight

Definitely

-Distorted body image, undue influence of body weight or shape on self-evaluation, or denial of the seriousness of the current low body weight

Distortions, distortions, distortions… I don’t think I’m that bad, weight wise- I think it may be a good idea to move to 400 cals a day, just to get some sugar, but other than that, I’m okay, still above lowest weight…

So I’m qualified on that level, sure Dr Burns and Carolyn would refer me, can’t imagine what else there is… Yeah, whatever, I’m not going and I know it. I’ll go and sit in Carolyn’s office and make no decisions whatsoever. This is hopeless, utterly hopeless…

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4/19/01
Good morning (or something) to you all… Today when I woke up I had not eaten for 84 hours. But surprisingly, I am feeling much better. Must have hit my fasting-high… Alright… Umm… Oh! I went to see Carolyn yesterday, and in spite of my fears and our conversations last week, she said not one word about hospitals. Although, she didn’t weigh me, either, so that might be why. She thinks it went well, because I actually talked to her (although, I didn’t really say anything), and because of some weird therapist thing. Whatever. I told her I hadn’t eaten since Sunday, so she knows that… I have to keep a log of dissociation and panicky episodes, so that she can see how I am feeling. Unfortunately, I left it at home, so I’ll have to write on a piece of paper and transfer it when I get home. My parents came home last night… At about 12:30, so it’s not like we talked. My cat killed a gopher and brought it to me when I was leaving this morning. It wasn’t that gross, yet, she hadn’t started eating it. So anyway, uneventful. Anxious about eating supper tonight…

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4/20/01
All right, what should I tell you today? Completely flipped out yesterday. Major panic. Went home ½ hr. early, which I never, ever do. So I did eat something, after hour 100. ½ cup spaghetti, maybe that much but probably not. And ½ glass low-fat milk. 82 cals for the pasta, 60 for the milk. Brings the grand total for what is it, 110 hours now since Sunday, to… drum roll please… one hundred and forty-two calories! Goodness, I am sick… But, that’s not entirely true. I had one glass of juice everyday, for blood sugar purposes, and that’s 110 cals. so it’s really 550+142, which is 692. For almost an entire week. With exercising everyday. With working nine hours everyday. I am going to kill myself, I’m almost sure of it… I HAVE to get myself in gear and check myself in. I just can’t bear the thought of it, that’s all… I really want to go, sometimes, but the thoughts of being at 90% frightens me so…

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