Joe Kort, MSW will talk to us about gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and questioning (GLBTQ) individuals, and their family members. He will also talk about coming out, sexual orientation, GLBT relationships, sexuality and sexual behavior, and more.

David is the HealthyPlace.com moderator.

The people in blue are audience members.

David: Good evening everyone. I'm David Roberts. I'm the moderator for tonight's conference. I want to welcome everyone to HealthyPlace.com. Our topic tonight is "Coming Out and other GLBT Issues". Our guest tonight, Joe Kort, works primarily with gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and questioning individuals (GLBTQ) and their family members.

In addition, Mr. Kort is a certified Imago Relationships Therapist and is certified in the area of sexual addiction and compulsivity. Besides doing therapy, he leads retreats for single or partnered gay and lesbian individuals to help them explore their own sexual identity and develop positive relationships.

Good Evening Joe, and welcome to HealthyPlace.com. Thank you for being here tonight. I think, for most people, the hardest thing in life is to confide in others what we consider to be a "deep dark secret" about ourselves.

Though being gay, lesbian, bi, or transexual (GLBT) is not as "surprising" as it was 10-15 years ago, is it still a "deep dark secret" for many?

Joe Kort: I think it depends on the area in which you live and I can tell you that here in Michigan, it sure is for MANY Gays and Lesbians.

David: I read the story on your website, but for the audience, can you recount your feelings about coming out to your family? This was in the 1970's.

Joe Kort: Sure. My mother sent me to a therapist because I was becoming a loner. I was an outcast in my school being called faggot and sissy and spotted for being Gay, before I even knew what it was. In therapy, the therapist asked me what kind of girls I liked, and I lied at first, but then told him I really liked boys. He was of the psychoanalytic approach, and pathologized my homosexuality, but asked lots of questions and totally desensitized me about talking about being gay. He and I would argue about the fact that I could change. He saw my adolescence as a "second chance" to become "normal". He taught me that I was gay because I had a smothering domineering mother (which I did), and a distant, absent, uninvolved father ( which I did also).

So when I came out to them at age 18 in 1982, I blamed them for making me this way. I don't recommend doing this at home, LOL!, Anyway, we all went screaming into family therapy, and the therapist looked at me and said, "why would you do a thing like that, how angry you are to blame them?" after he had taught me that they were to blame for years.

David: Here's a description of Joe's first coming out attempt. I got this from his website:

"I tried to tell my mother originally at the age of 15, in 1978, during the Chanukah season. I was driving with my driver's permit and we were on the expressway. My timing was not great. I started crying, telling her I had something awful to tell her. I started by telling her I was different. I could not go on. She lovingly touched my shoulder and told me that everything would be fine, and she gave me some Chanukah money. She then got me in therapy."

Of course, being a teen, many times things seem a lot worse than they actually are. Now, as an adult looking back, was it "that difficult"?

Joe Kort: No it was not. But I think it would have been a LOT easier if the therapists had been more supportive.

David: I 'm wondering, do you recommend, as a general rule, that individuals come out and tell significant others, parents, and family members, that they are Gay or Lesbian?

Joe Kort: Yes I do. But I caution them to understand that when they come out of the closet, the family goes in the closet. They should give their family and significant others time. I do coach for Gays and Lesbians to be out and authentic with their loved ones.

David: It may be easier for adults to come out, but what about teenagers. That is a huge risk for them. In their minds, everything is at risk, including being rejected by their family.

Joe Kort: Yes that is a LOT harder for them given their position in the family.....I would encourage that they be aware of PFLAG (Parents, Friends and Family of Lesbians and Gays) and possibly, if they can, go to a GLBT community center to talk to other teens about how it went for them.

I still would encourage them to be out and open about who they are, and educate their parents about the importance of honesty and authenticity. I know it is not this easy but I think the alternative of keeping it in, is much more damaging.

David: The questions are coming in. Let's get to those:

redtop: Joe, welcome and thanks. I came out to my wife after 22 years and to my parents one year after that. Now I regret telling my parents. What is the best way to deal with their denial of my orientation?

Joe Kort: My belief is for you to keep talking about it, letting them know how your life is going, if you are dating, what being Gay means to you, etc. I believe it is our (GLBT) responsibility to keep the discussion going about our lives, just as the rest of the family talks about their lives. The more you talk, the more desensitized they will become. I would also let them know that they don't have to agree with you about your orientation, but just listen and understand.