Coming Out and other GLBT Issues Online Conference Transcript - GLBT Issues

Written by Guest: Joe Kort

David: Was it a relief to you?

Joe Kort: YES, .totally. It was a HORRIBLE secret to keep all by myself.

David: At the time, did you feel a compulsion to tell someone?

Joe Kort: Yes I did. I kept worrying it would slip or someone would be able to really tell and out me. I actually had a friend ultimately do that to me. It was horrifying but freeing at the same time.

David: It's one thing to tell your parents, or a significant other, that you are gay or lesbian. It's another thing to "show them" by bringing your friends or partners around. What is your suggestion in dealing with that aspect of it?

Joe Kort: It is another level and layer of coming out. It is almost like starting over to introduce a partner. They will feel that now it is "in their face", and prefer that you not bring them around or talk about them. I recommend that you absolutely bring them around and talk about them, not in an "in your face" way but just no different than your siblings might talk about or bring around their partners. And to make sure the family knows that if the partner is not accepted at functions, then they may not come themselves. I would not force the issue for acceptance, but I do coach you to bring your partner around and let them know this is a permanent part of your life.

redtop: Joe, can I even expect to be "free" at 52 years of age?

Joe Kort: I am not sure what you mean by "free"? Can you explain?

redtop: I am an only child with aging parents; I do have a partner, but my parents don't recognize my relationship.

David: What redtop may be saying is, do you think that at 52, it's worth coming out to your older parents, and do you feel at the age of 52, coming out can be psychologically freeing?

Joe Kort: YES and YES absolutely!!! I would encourage you to make your own decision on telling your parents, but I see no reason not to, unless you personally do not wish to. And I think at ANY age it is psychological freedom to be out and open.

David: Do you think a marriage can survive (male-female) if one partner is gay or lesbian?

Joe Kort: Yes I do, and I think it takes a LOT of communication to keep it going. The hardest part, I think, is negotiating whether or not it will be monogamous. I truly believe it is up to the couple. My personal and professional opinion though, is that it is hard enough relating to one person in a relationship, let alone any more!!

David: You are also a relationships therapist. You hold retreats for gay and lesbian individuals and couples. Could you please describe what you deal with at these retreats?

Joe Kort: Sure. The weekends are based on the book, "Getting The Love You Want" for Couples and "Keeping the Love You Find" for singles by Dr. Harville Hendrix. Although these books are written to a heterosexual audience, it is a people based relationship therapy. The whole premise is to figure out how you came together and why, how you got stuck and how to get unstuck. Gays and Lesbians have very few supports, and this model supports staying together, and how to manage conflict. Its basic premise is that conflict is good and natural for the relationship, you just need to know how to deal with it. So couples come to save relationships, help keep a new one going, or to even end one. The weekends for couples and singles also looks at internalized homophobia, and I don't care how long, or how out you are, we have it our whole lives in one form or another.

David: Here's the link to Joe's website, which is very informative: http://www.joekort.com.

Joe, are the relationship issues between gay and lesbian couples any different than hetero couples?

Joe Kort: YES, there are many differences. One is the internalized homophobia piece not being out as a couple, even when it is safe to be out, calling each other too butch or fem, the belief that our relationships do not last or cannot be monogamous. Also, two woman bring something very different and special than two men, or a man and a woman couple. I find that with woman, there is at times a fusion/unhealthy merging because both have been conditioned as woman to be relational in a heterosexual couple. The male slow this down from his being socialized to be distant emotional. At the same time, two men are raised to be distant emotionally, and as a result, there is often a "parallel relationship", or good friends type relationship, because there is not a woman pushing for relational experience. These are sweeping generalizations, but I often see this and have read about it in my

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practice. I also think that GLBT have tremendous difficulty accepting differences in their relationships, more so than our straight counterparts do, because we have been unaccepted our whole lives.

David: So are you saying that even though a person may have sexual feelings for another man or woman, that they are still conditioned psychologically to behave as a man or woman would in a hetero relationship and this makes a same-sex relationship difficult?

Joe Kort: YES, that's what I am saying. As a therapist, I find myself helping female couples differentiate and tolerate the differences, and reducing the merging that can occur, because both are groomed to be relational. As for the men, I find myself coaching them to come into the relationship more, and stop all the over-working and volunteer activities and remember that they have a partner. This is very common in the couples that I treat.

David: I also want to address the issue of homophobia amongst gays and lesbians. Are you saying that even though a person is gay or lesbian, that there is still a part of themselves that either feels there's something wrong with that, or that dislikes others who are?

Joe Kort: Yes. Consider that we were raised from birth to be homophobic and heterosexist. That is imprinted upon us, and it is my belief that it takes a lifetime to undo this. We are the worst to each other regarding being homophobic because we find out that we are the very thing we were taught to hate and despise. It is a terrible bind.