Doctors often claim that they can create "perfectly functional" genitals, but to date only one follow-up study has been done, and it does not look good for their claims. (Dr. David Thomas, a pediatric urologist in Leeds, England, did a follow-up study on 12 intersexuals surgically "assigned" as girls; all had surgery that was unsatisfactory in some way and in 5 of the 12, the relocated sexually sensitive tissue had withered and died.) Many of us, as adults, suffer from intense anger and depression due to lack of genital sensation.

Post-surgical intersexuals can also be more prone to urinary tract and other infections.

Third, when artificial vaginas are constructed in children, they need to be "dilated" to keep from closing up. This involves the parent being forced to penetrate their child's genitals with a plastic "stent" on a daily basis for a long time. In any other context, this would be considered sexual abuse, and indeed many of us are psychologically and sexually damaged by this procedure. For that matter, asking a small child to expose their genitals repeatedly to crowds of doctors, interns, and medical students, which often happens on check-up visits, is also damaging.

Fourth, there is no real health or safety reason to operate on infant genitals solely for reasons of gender ambiguity. Any such reconstructive surgery can be done with much better results at or after puberty, when the area is adult-sized. Some doctors claim that allowing a child to grow up with ambiguous genitals will lead to that child feeling suicidal. In fact, there is absolutely no proof of this. (No such studies have been done on most intersexual conditions; the one small study that was donw by Dr. Justine Schrober on the quality of life of 12 men with very small penises found that they were doing fine and many had supportive spouses/partners.) However, many of us as adults have become suicidal due to unsatisfactory surgeries and our treatment at the hands of the (still experimenting) medical community.

What do I do if I have a child with ambiguous genitals?

Do not let the doctors operate on your child unless there is a real medical emergency, such as a blocked urethra or other urinary or bowel trouble. Make sure that they understand your position on intersexuality before your child is born, so that less trouble will arise. In some cases that we know of, doctors operated on children anyway without the knowledge or consent of the parents. Don't let this happen! Your child's genital tissue must remain unmarred until they are more physically mature.

What sex should I raise my baby as?

You need to make your own decision regarding how your baby is to be raised. We, as intersexuals, were generally able to decide what sex we felt ourselves to be by puberty. This means that you, the parent, not a team of doctors, can and should make the final decision about your baby's sex....as long as you remember that any choice you make might turn out to be the wrong one. Some of us do change sex later in life, and you should do your best to be open to this possibility. There is no scientific evidence for the medical community's claim that we will stay whatever sex we are raised. We are not blank slates at birth; we are simply do not have the means to make our wishes known in infancy. Although consulting the doctors involved can give you useful information to help you with your choices, only you can decide.

What should I tell my child about his/her condition?

As soon as your child is old enough to understand, you should explain things as clearly and simply as possible. Your child should never feel ashamed of his/her medical condition. Many of us suffered terribly from the secrecy and shame surrounding our intersexuality; our parents either refused to explain why we were put through painful surgeries and/or fed hormones at puberty, or they taught us that it was shameful and that we were never to speak of it. In some places, it was common for hospitals and doctors to destroy the medical records of intersex children, in order to prevent them from finding out how they were "abnormal". However, most of us figured it out anyway. Honesty is the best policy, and the only healthy basis for a parent-child relationship based on mutual respect, trust and love, which is essential for imparting the kid a solid foundation for leading an adult life that is not impeded by physical and mental health issues, possibly up to disablement.

Keep your child's medical checkups regarding their condition to a minimum, and chaperone to make sure that he/she is not used as a guinea pig or educational display. Learn as much as you can about your child's condition, and do not let yourself be made to feel stupid, incompetent, or incapable of making decisions. When your child is approaching puberty, it might be best to carefully discuss the possibilities and what they will entail. This might work best on the framework of family therapy, preferably with a gender specialist. Your child must be the final arbiter of what is or is not done to his/her body, and your job is to discover and advocate for his/her choice.

Finally, we strongly suggest that you join a support group. You are not alone, and neither is your child. Contact the Ambiguous Genitalia Parents Support Network listed below to find out if there is a group in your area, or if you should start one. You might also think about a support group for your child, so that he/she can know that they, too, are not alone. It's a good thing for them to meet adults with their condition who can reassure them about life.

Can an intersexual live a happy, fulfilled life?

Yes! Although no official studies have yet been done (we're all waiting for them) our anecdotal evidence suggests that intersexual children who are raised in a loving, supportive family with no surgical intervention until they wish it, and with parents who do not make them feel ashamed, are well-adjusted and happy, often with loving spouses/partners. (Other studies done on children with other disabilities have shown that they child's level of adjustment depends less on the severity or social obviousness of the disability and more on the presence or absence of loving family support.) It's those of us who had more, intervention, not less, who are more likely to have psychological and sexual dysfunction today.

The parent of an intersexual has been blessed with a very special and gifted child who requires a lot of patience and love. You will need a lot of courage to stand up for your child's real needs, but you are the only advocates your baby has who really care for them. We hope that in reading this, you will be able to make decisions about your child's treatment that truly work for their well-being and not some abstract illusion of social "normality".