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Not Everything Bad
Not all of my life was bad or sad. Many parts were humorous, as I kept my own sense of humor, much of which was due to my masquerade as a macho male, as I perceived and played that role in many all-male environments, ie: military, jails, and prison. I never succumbed to a male/male relationship, due to inhibitions and prior abuse by homophobic males. Actually, the only way I could even have a homosexual relationship would be to have sex with another like myself (not likely), so homophobia is not an issue with me.
In public, I have been, in all respects, a male heterosexual. And like many real males, I've felt woefully inadequate for much of that time. I had several advantages as a partner: insight, companionship, and
communication, and my own desire for lengthy foreplay.
Although inadequate, I was married for eighteen years to two "normal" women. However, when I revealed my condition (to the extent, I was aware of it), they reacted first with disbelief for a few years, then rejection, as they had homophobic reactions, social concerns with "their being bisexual," worries about themselves being gay. Both sought "normal" affairs while married, unable to accept me as is, and mostly unable to deal or cope with their own sexuality .
A Good Parent
Having raised three children alone through pre-teen and teenage years (11 years), I can appreciate the problems of single parenting. With two girls, I discovered the bias and prejudices of a male dominated school system. With 90% of discretionary funds expended on male sports activities, I resented and fought the system on behalf of my daughters, and my son, feeling he too was being brainwashed into participating in aggressive sports.
No one that knows me could fault me on my parenting skills. The idea that a gay, lesbian or gender dysphoric person is unfit as a parent for "normal children" is ludicrous! My own children never knew my intimate identity, until a local laboratory gossip leaked my DNA tests results. The two oldest have not changed and support me, however, my youngest daughter (15) was teased at school and chose to go live in another state with my ex-wife. They are all heterosexual as far as I know, but perhaps they are more tolerant of others, having known, loved and respected me.
More Information on Hermaphrodites
For those who want to know more about the strange disassociated life I led, and my own traumas, I can recommend a book, Herculine Barbin: Memoirs of a French Hermaphrodite. Herculine was raised as a female in convent surroundings. I felt the trauma and the emotions expressed in this book as my own. It is sad that there has been so little difference in public tolerance. Much has remained unchanged since 1838.
My own book "Masquerade," is being edited as I write this. Perhaps it will make a little difference in public attitudes, and assist some lost soul who feels like a lonely outcast, as I did, to perhaps accept themselves better and find out they're not alone. Hopefully, others can find acceptance and be themselves, live a productive life, beyond a sick social preoccupation with pseudo-gender differences, associated sex and hate crimes and stop the reactionary response habits to childhood traumas.
As you look through my site, I hope you'll think about these questions:
- Can we heal the mindless wounds we and others have inflicted on us, for the crime of being different outside than we are inside, by divisive and false social conditioning?
- Are we not all the same ambi-gendered children of the universe, residing in some arbitrary physical form?
- Who's agenda is furthered by dividing us?
more: The Berdache Tradition
next: Intersexuality Frequently Asked Questions
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