Exploring the Internet

On January 29, 1996, Robbie wrote a letter to his friend Jenine, a girl he met at Camp Christopher, a resident camp in Bath, Ohio run by the Diocese of Cleveland. Robbie told Jenine why other kids teased him, and indicated that he was well aware of the price one has to pay for being different.

"I'll tell you why people made fun of me," he wrote. "You see, I talk different . . . I have a slight lisp (S's come out th's) and I'm kinda well, sucky at sports. So people (only like a few people) have called me gay. They don't mean it, if they did I'd be beat up by now. You see, everyone in our school is homophobic (including me)."

In the same letter, Robbie tells her about his new pastime, the America Online computer service. "I love AOL. My favorite thing to do is chat."

The Sadasivans had purchased a computer for Christmas 1995, giving Robbie access to the Internet, a lifeline for many gay and lesbian teens. Like most adolescent boys, regardless of their sexual orientation, Robbie found his way through cyberspace directly to the porn sites.

One day while he was on the computer with his four-year-old daughter, Peter Sadasivan was shocked when images of nude men appeared on the screen. Robbie admitted to downloading the photos, but told his mother an elaborate story about being "blackmailed" as a way to explain.

"At this point, I didn't suspect that he was gay, because he was saying that this man blackmailed him. He was crying telling me this story," Leslie said.

First suicide attempt

Whether it was the shame he felt about the discovery of the downloaded images, his ongoing battle with depression, or that he was really in over his head with the Internet, during the next few months, Robbie began to sink deeper and deeper into despair.

On February 24, 1996, two days after his fourteenth birthday, Robbie attempted suicide for the first time. He took thirty Tylenol pain capsules and went to sleep. In a suicide note left at the time, he wrote: "Whatever you find, I'm not gay."

Only Robbie knows what happened in the month since he wrote the letter saying he loved AOL, and the next letter dated February 26 where he told Jenine that he had tried to commit suicide. But whatever it was, it frightened him.

Robbie wrote, "The reason why I tried to kill myself was because of stuff that happened that would take a novel to fill. I'll tell you a shortened version: 1. Every day now I fear for my life. 2. I fear on-line. 3. Something weird is going on with me and God--I don't like church masses [but] I still have faith in God."

He added, "[Numbers] one and two are connected."

John Kirkland remembers that the situation definitely got complicated as soon as the Internet came into play.

"I'm involved with investigations of people who entice both boys and girls through the Internet. Unfortunately, it's very common. I tried to explain to Robbie that people will try to get you to do all kinds of things through the Internet. But you can't be with a kid 24 hours a day."

Leslie began what would be an ongoing struggle with her son about his Internet usage, and considered cutting him off completely. "Right from the beginning, he was going on-line more than we allowed. It's almost like he was addicted to the computer and on-line," she said. "I know now that he was going into these gay chat rooms."

On March 29, about a month after the Tylenol incident, Robbie ran away from home.

"He had somebody's number from on-line," his mom said. "He took a bus to Chicago, but because he wasn't street smart, he got scared and turned himself in." Robbie had been gone less than 24 hours when John Kirkland flew to Chicago to retrieve him.

According to his father, Robbie offered no rational explanations for his actions during the ride home, but instead "gave whatever reason he thought he could get away with."

"It was very frustrating to us," John said. "I think he said what he thought would work so people would get off his butt about the real reasons."

Slowly, tentatively coming out

Clearly, Robbie's trip to Chicago alerted both his parents that their son was in serious trouble. His computer privileges were cut off, and shortly thereafter, he began seeing a therapist. Slowly and tentatively, Robbie began taking his first steps out of the closet, and his family began taking their first steps towards understanding.

Leslie describes her first reaction to Robbie's attempt to come out as denial. "I asked the therapist, 'What's going on here? Is he just confused?' And the therapist said, 'No, he's gay'."

Slowly, Leslie moved towards acceptance and asked the therapist to recommend some resources for her son. "I said to the therapist, 'I don't care if my son's gay--I want him to be what God meant him to be'."

Robbie's journey towards understanding and accepting his homosexuality was not an issue for his dad.

"I was not going to lose my son over it," John Kirkland said. "I told him honestly, 'Some people are not going to like you because of this, Rob,' and he already knew that. I told him, 'If you were out dealing drugs, or hurting people, or robbing people, then you and I would have big problems. But I'm not going to have a problem with you over something like this, Rob. If it's what you are, it's what you are'."

His sisters and his parents all tried to let Robbie know that they loved him just the way he was. "However," John Kirkland said, "he had a tougher time accepting it himself."

Leslie recalled a conversation last May in which Robbie's therapist explained to her that being gay was not something Robbie was happy about. "He said that Robbie knew how hard this life was going to be--especially to survive the teenage years when you have to be so closeted because of what society says."

"I remember sitting down with him on the floor in his bedroom. I held his hand and said, 'Robbie, I am so very sorry. I didn't understand that this was not something you're happy about'."

Leslie apologized to her son and told him that she loved him. "From then on I had a better understanding of what a struggle this was for him," she said.