Called to save other boys

Not able to save her son, Leslie felt "called by God" to reach out to other boys like him. The day of her son's wake, Father James Lewis from St. Ignatius met Leslie at the funeral home.

"I mentioned to him about Robbie being gay. I said, 'You must help these boys--you know you have other Robbies at your school.' He agreed that there were other gay students. I said, 'Please tell those who are not nice to gay people to change and learn to be kind and sensitive. Tell those who are already being nice that they are doing God's work.' He just listened to me, and said that the school teaches kindness to all people."

She also asked Father F. Christopher Esmurdoc, an associate pastor at St. John Neumann Church, to say that Robbie was gay and deliver a eulogy that would speak of the importance of being accepting of gay and lesbian people. For whatever reason, he did not.

In the following weeks, Leslie began the long and painful process of putting together pieces of the puzzle that might explain what had happened to push her son over the edge. She wonders if things might have been different if she would have gone into Robbie's room prior to his death. Instead, acting on the advice of the therapist, she was trying to respect her son's privacy.

"I would have found the suicide note. I would have found out how obsessed he was with this boy."

Robbie's therapist told her how he had said that getting over the boy had "left an empty spot in his heart."

"But truly," his mother said, "he was not over this boy."

Leslie was further grieved when Christopher told her about some rumors that had been circulating around the St. Ignatius campus. One of them was that the boy that Robbie had a crush on was telling other students that Robbie had written "Fuck you" to him in his suicide note.

"This boy never even saw the note," Leslie said.

The message that Robbie did leave for this boy was, "You caused me a lot of pain, but hell, love hurts. I hope you have a wonderful life."

Leslie called the boy's mother to find out if there was any truth to another rumor that Robbie had spoken to her son on the telephone at 3:00 a.m. the day he died.

"The mother was fearful that if it got out that Robbie liked this kid, it would ruin this kid's reputation--that if the [other] kids knew, then they might think that her kid was gay. Her concern was that her son would be perceived as gay and would be teased and ridiculed. I said to this woman, 'Please, I just buried my son. Please don't scream at me'."

St. Ignatius declined gay talk

Hoping to have some goodness come from Robbie's death, Leslie spoke with Rory Henessy, who is in charge of discipline at St. Ignatius, and the school's principal, Richard Clark.

"I told Mr. Henessy the same thing that I told Father Lewis at the funeral home--that there are other Robbies at their school. I told him that Robbie's therapist offered to talk to the school. I said I would come and read something about Robbie's life and about his being gay."

The school has politely declined Leslie's offers, and principal Clark reiterated that the "message of the school is kindness and tolerance." He also said that St. Ignatius is planning to do a mass that will focus on the issue of suicide.

"The funny part of all this," Leslie said, "is that Robbie would have wanted to stay in the closet."

"I see him laughing at me, saying 'Oh, mom, this is my mom--always trying to help people."

"I'm not a public person, but I would read on a loudspeaker if it would help one boy out there," she added.

Leslie feels no bitterness toward the school or the church, and wants only good things to come out of this tragedy.

"Me and his sisters and his father, and his other father, we all feel that this is a terrible tragedy that we have to live without him for the rest of our lives. We feel that there are all these other Robbies in the world, and if we can somehow help just one of them. Not just the Robbies, but the people that treat the Robbies badly. If we can help them in any way, then we feel called by God to do it. This is hard for me, I'm not an articulate person. I'm just a mom who loved her son.

John Kirkland is equally as passionate about telling his son's story, and in time, plans to become active with PRYSM or P-FLAG.

"I would tell any parent that I can reach that I tried, and I still lost my son, and it's something that's going to hurt every day for the rest of my life. You can lose them in other ways too. It'll hurt just as much if you lose your son because you alienate him as it hurt me because my son killed himself. You may not think it now, but believe me it's going to. And one day you're going to wake up and realize: That little boy or that little girl I raised, I lost them. I lost them because I couldn't accept them. Is it worth that?

(Accompanied by four photos: Leslie Sadasivan; a Christmas family photo of Robbie and his sisters; and a pale blue image of the century-old St. Ignatius High School, with the first paragraphs of the story superimposed over it. On the front page is a photo of Robbie with his Siamese cat Petie Q.)

Last updated 3/11/97 by Jean Richter, This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

next: Stories about "Paying the Price of Being Gay