Gay Teen Suicide Information Page

This page is written for the early teenager who has perhaps discovered he is gay, and doesn't feel to comfortable about it. It also has information for homophobes, suicidal people, and people who have had to deal with someone who has commited suicide. It is also a tribute to Darren.

Who was Darren?

Darren was my boyfriend. We met during the Summer holidays of 1997, he was 15 and I was 16. I told my best friend I fancied him, and he went and told him - it was planned, but I didn't expect it to work so well! We went out for just under a year. On Friday 6th February, at 4 p.m., he killed himself. He wrote me a suicide note - which his mother witheld until the day of his birthday (August 1st). It read:

Dear Alex,
It's difficult to know where to start,
but I'll do it by saying sorry. I'm sorry I
left you, I'm sorry I broke the promise. You
helped me so much, but when pain reaches the
limit it all means nothing. You know that.
Next I want to say thank you. You
dedicated your life to me, and I failed. You
were my shoulder to cry on. You got me off the
sh*t, but here I sit pumped full of it. I'm
not as strong as you.
I have written a note to my mum telling
her everything. I wanted her to know how much
you helped me.
Sorry, and I love you.

Darren.

I still miss him, a lot. When I first put this page up, it had been 9 months since his death, but I still can't get used to it, even now. He was going to come to college with me, perhaps even University if we were still together, and later we planned to set up in business for ourselves. It has left my life partly empty, not only when he did it, but now, and I suspect for the rest of my life.

Why did he kill himself?

It is still something that is fairly unclear to me, our friends and his family. It was a combination of reasons, I think. First of all, he wasn't happy being gay; he could never quite get used to himself. Another reason was that I was the only person that accepted what he was. Everyone else either avoided him because of his sexuality, or constantly abused him; beating him (and me) up, screaming obscenities, etc etc. He feared telling his mother because of what her reaction would have been. He was gay, and no one could accept it - that was him and everyone hated him for it.

The other reason was that a very good friend of his died in a road accident. It was sudden, and unexpected, as are most deaths. He'd taken time off school to deal with it, which I think for him wasn't the best idea. He was home alone, trying to deal with his feelings as best he could. He turned to drugs and alcohol. I tried to see him as much as possible, to help him. I even talked to him over the Internet moments before his suicide. Obviously, I still blame myself for this.

What are my feelings now?

I was told by a counselor to write a letter to Darren. At first, I thought this was a stupid idea. I reminded her that he was dead! But it was a good outlet for my feelings, and a method of sorting out what really was going on in my head. It was very difficult for me - it made me realise that I hated Darren for what he did. Don't get me wrong, I know that when you reach that stage there is very little chance of seeing other options (I've been there), but he still went ahead and did it. Someone told me it was touching that he wrote me a letter before doing it - it shows that he was thinking of me at the time. But if he was thinking of me, do I mean so little to him that he can just chuck in his life? It made me realise that I hated not only him, but me for letting it happen, and the people that constantly abused him because of his beliefs. Of course, I still miss him. If he was here now, I would take him into my arms, no questions asked. But that's the source of my anger - what he did was so... permanent.

What is it to be gay?

To be gay is to have a sexual attraction to people of the same sex as you, rather than the opposite sex. Many people carry the belief that gay people fancy everyone of the same sex - and steer clear of them. That is so wrong! Just like heterosexuals, homosexuals have preferences too, not just "stick it in any old hole" - in fact I'm gay, and I'm the most picky person of anyone I know when it comes to fancying someone! I spend every day in college, and out of nearly 4000 students, I've found only one person that I like, and I don't like my chances, so I've (almost!) forgotten about him.

I think everybody has a bit of "gay" in them. Most of us wouldn't want to admit it - not even to ourselves, but it's something I believe in. A girl blurted that out in a Math class of mine, I agreed and like everyone else didn't want to admit it, but something inside me said "go bright red", which I did. Everyone decided I was gay.