Coming Out and Staying Out

This realisation is the first stage of coming out. There is no hard and fast rule when this point is reached. For some it happens in their teens, for others it may happen much later in life.

Some people describe this time of accepting their sexuality as though they were riding an emotional rollercoaster. One day they felt happy and confident and ready to tell everyone; the next they felt confused, scared and relieved that they hadn't. You may want to talk to someone who understands what this is like. We have included details of a number of organisations in the United Kingdom that can help on the GMHP Directory.

So You Still Want To Come Out

This is a nerve racking time - the fear of rejection is likely to be immense. Bear in mind that there are many ways to tell someone that you are gay.

It may be helpful to ask yourself some of the questions that come up later in this guide, as it is more than likely that others will ask you them at some point. Don't rehearse your answers but think of your reasons - it will make you and your discussions stronger and more assured.

Coming Out To Others

The next stage involves going public in some way, of "coming out of the closet". Who you tell next is really up to you. You may decide to tell your best friend or a member of your family.

Remember, once you have told someone about your sexuality it can become known to others within a short period. This is human nature and there is very little you can do to prevent this. If you are resolved to deal with any negativity that this disclosure may bring, you will be sufficiently prepared for it.

Why Do I Want To Come Out

This is the most important question to ask yourself. If you answer something like: "Because I'm proud of who I am" or "It is impossible to become a fully happy human being if my sexuality remains suppressed" or "I want to meet other gay people" then these are good reasons. Think very carefully if your reasoning is to hurt or shock people. Often the person who gets hurt will be you.

Who Should I Tell

Many gay people describe how important it is to first tell someone outside the family. Make sure it's someone you trust and who you believe to be open minded and supportive. Be careful if you decide to confide in a teacher at school - they may be obliged to tell someone else what you have told them. Find out the school policy on confidentiality before you go ahead.

If you have decided to tell your family it may be easier to talk to one parent before the other. You could then ask them for help to approach the other. Sometimes brothers and sisters are a good starting point as they are likely to understand more about homosexuality or bisexuality. Make sure you understand why you are going to tell them. One of the best reasons to come out to your family is to become closer to them.

There are a number of typical responses that parents, particularly, are known to say: "How can you be sure?", "I went through a phase like this at your age", "You'll grow out of it", "You haven't tried hard enough with the opposite sex" and "How can you know at your age?"

We have listed them here because they may help you to think of your answers to them. You might find it helpful to discuss these questions first with a trusted friend or a lesbian and gay helpline or switchboard. See the GMHP Directory for details.

Support For Your Family

This can be a traumatic time for some members of your family. You may feel unable to answer all their questions or to deal with all of the issues that come up for them. They, in turn, may not feel comfortable talking about homosexuality or bisexuality with you. There are several organisations that offer support to parents who are coming to terms with their sons' and daughters' sexuality. Acceptance produces booklets written for parents - you can request copies from the address given on the GMHP Directory national organisations page.

This can be a difficult time if your happiness is dependent to some degree on your family's reaction. If this is the case for you, we would advise that you talk it over with someone who has been through it already - perhaps your local gay switchboard or helpline.

How Should I Tell Them

There is no rule that says you have to sit down and talk to others about this, there are other ways.