3/27/97 Dear Joey, today you have been gone from me for 2 whole years. I sit here with my heart heavy and my fingers barely able to type these words. I move through quicksand to get from day to day. I still need to know why, I still need to know how you are, I still need to know what I did wrong. I want so much to hear your laugh, that crazy, contagious laugh you had.

I want to see those big brown chocolate eyes smiling at me, giving my heart flip flops every time I saw them, because you were mine! I want one of those famous Joey hugs. I want to lay my head on your chest and hear your heart beat. I miss you, I miss you,I miss you.

Joey, you made so many of my dreams come true. You were funny and sweet and kind and goofy. All the things I admire in a person!

My friend Gabi, who lost her son too, says we won't stop missing our kids till we stop loving them. I guess this gets to go on till forever.

3/28/97 Today, I read an article in People magazine about celebrities who have lost children. It was an eye opener for me. I think I have felt 'stuck' because the pain is greater, the loss is felt deeper than ever. I think I imagined that I was choosing these feelings. And somehow, that was supposed to be wrong. why would I choose to be unhappy, a victim, in pain for the rest of my life? After reading about Bill Cosby, John Walsh, Sally Jesse, etc., I realize that this is all it can be. I cannot expect to be whole
again. If you took my right arm, I could not expect to function as if it were still there. I can live without it, but I won't function the same. I used to be such a goofy person, truly a pollyanna. And I mourn that loss also. But I cannot have that 'me' back, cannot expect to get her back when her heart is missing. Yes, I have Chris and Micheal and Joshua. And they are truly magnificient. I am more than blessed by having them healthy and whole. And I know, without them, I would not bother to go on. But, Joey, this is to tell you that you and Chris and Micheal and Josh made up 95% of who I am, who I want to be. So, I don't have to feel bad about feeling bad. It just is.

"The stars are not wanted now, put out every one

Pack up the moon, dismantle the sun.

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods.

For nothing now can ever come to any good."

My feelings this 3rd mothers day without him.

6/16/97- Well Joey? Are you two together? Are you having great fun without parental supervision? Mama's not doing so good.

Can you believe Chris died 2 years from the day we found you? 26 months later. What does this mean Jo Jo bear?

Eric,

Thank you for signing Joey's dreambook and Thank you for adding Joey's page to your site. I hope it will open some eyes to the hurt that our children experience - and it's all so unnecessary. And, of course, I want Joey's memory to live on and touch others as he touched so many when he was here. p.s. Joey once loved an Eric...sigh.

Deb Lopitz

next: Dreams