3/27/00 Five whole years. I guess things have changed. I was awake almost a whole hour before I thought of you today. Of course, you've been on my mind continously for the last few weeks. Of all things, in the news tonight was a story about a decomposed body that washed up, they showed the clothes...what was once a denim jacket was green and slimy. And so the pain pierced me again. So many questions. All I can do now is pray that you are at peace. I beg my guardian spirits to watch over you and guide you. I 'hear' from Chris constantly. I 'feel' Chris constantly. But not you Joey. And we were so connected when you were on this earth. Why not from you? Auntie Peggy says maybe it's because I haven't let go, let you move on. What say you?

Someone said, wow, five years, that's not long at all. And part of me says yes, five years is not enough to adjust to life without you. But another part says FIVE WHOLE YEARS without you. How have I gone on? I miss you JoJo Bear. Josh says if Joey was your JoJo bear and Chris was your Pooh bear, what am I? I told him I didn't know. He said he wanted to be a JoJo bear too. Are you with me every day Joey and I don't even know? I love you brown eyed boy. More than ever. I found out your friend Amy signed your guest book. She misses you. Not that I wish her pain, but I'm glad that others remember you. Such a miracle you were. I love you.

9/16/99 You would have been 28 years old this year. How could that be? My tall skinny boy, forever young, forever a "Joey". I went to a 'channeler', she told me you were stuck in a dark lonely place because that's all you ever believed was there. She says that you have seen how I love you still and regret the pain you have caused. She claimed with my 'consent' you could go on to a bright beautiful place. I went through the motions of sending you on. Part of me believes because she told me things that she couldn't have 'guessed'...of course part of me is afraid to believe. SO, whatever, Joey, I urge you to go on, find peace. I miss you, I love you. But more than anything, I want eternal peace for you. Mama.

Merry Christmas 1998, my heart, love of my life. I miss you so. Our ice maker drops ice cubes sometimes and we say "Oh, there's the boys playing tricks." Now that they have moved out, Aunt Kelly's ice maker drops ice! She said she hopes it's you guys saying hello. Send me sign. Aunt Kelly saw a look- a -like the other day. Such torture. I finally dreamed about you as a grown up the other night. Such pleasure, such hurt.

Our Firstborn

Joey was the firstborn of my four sons. He was tall and skinny, lanky and graceful. He was born a blonde, but his hair got darker as he got older. Later, he alternately had brown, green, pink, purple and green striped hair. He had his tongue, his eyebrow and other things I probably don't want to know about, pierced! He gave the best hugs. He had the most wonderful chocolate eyes. God, how I miss them.

I love you forever, I love you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.

4/1/99 No fooling, this has been a rough week JoJo Bear. I seem to deal with the 'sadness' of holidays, easter, mothers day, etc with some semblance of control. But these death day anniversaries just drag me down. The depression smothers me. I try to fight it, I try to tell myself you are in a better place but I miss you so and I am so scared, so afraid that something is wrong. I know if there was a way, you would send me a message, something big that my lame brain would recognise, not an obscure butterfly or rainbow. But a big goofy sign that was OBVIOUSLY from you. I see so many movies that depict suicides afterlife as something dark and horrible. That would be so unfair, for you to have hurt so on this earth and not have peace. But it's my fear. I love you Joey, you were/are the love of my life. Shame on me, I love your brothers each so differently, so deeply but you...oh Joey, you were everything magical. I pray that you are somewhere colorful and happy and that you know Christopher. I pray you are watching Joshua and you see how much like you he is, so cute, so funny, so loving, so talkative! So much like you, some like Chris and Micheal.

Joey was the glue of our family. We are a very close family, but Joey was the one who made us laugh, think, talk, understand. He was the one who cemented the relationships we have today.

Joey was a smooth talker, a good listener, a con artist (!), a deep thinker. Joey had a knack for making people open up and find things hidden deep inside. It is this knack that is sorely missed by me and by his brothers.

JOEY WAS A BISEXUAL MAN AND THIS IS THE REASON I HAVE DEDICATED THIS PAGE TO HIM. People need to know his story, the hurt he faced and why I feel compelled to keep future generations from hurting.

Joey was our magic boy. I hope to use this site to tell his story and to help our family heal.