Sex Starved Marriage

Sex Starved Marriage

I have been married for 19 years. My wife literally has no interest in sex. I can't even tell you how hurt and lonely I feel. I have tried everything to help make her more sexual and to find the joy and fun in our sexual relationship. I have always been a romantic type of guy. i love doing the candles and dinner whole thing etc. My wife doesn't care. In fact she doesn't even like to go away with me on weekends because there will be sexual expectations. We have six children, five of which still live at home ages 4-15. We never go away. Seems the best that I can hope for is to get it once a month. We are in our mid forties and very healthy. Although our sex life is anything but healthy. No doubt this is a major contributor to my depression. I have never been unfaithful to my wife. But it is getting very hard to remain so.

oldschool
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Re: Sex Starved Marriage

Have you talked to her about this? what does she tell you?

"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." -Albert Einstein
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Maria Ro
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Yes Maria, this has been a source of conflict for many years. I have tried everything. She has never really opened herself up to me in our marriage. i see very little emotion, except when she is mad at me. The only time I have ever seen her cry is when she is angry with me.  She always comes back with, "she feels used." I have tried to explain that our sexual relationship is a true gift from God. And that it is not about what I "do" to her but about our experience and giving of our whole self to each other. She just thinks I am feedingh her a line of BS and that it is just about "getting off." I don't understand how she fails to see the beauty in it especially given the beautiful children we have been blessed with. Sex is a holy gift that is meant to give us an idea of what awaits us in heaven. It is like the Trinity in that the love of two creates a third.

I am going through a phase of hypersexuality right now probably as the result of meds, multiple concussions and lack of intimacy from my wife. It is getting very difficult to avoid self stimulation, internet soft porn and infidelity.

oldschool
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I'm so sorry your wife has this opinion, I agree with you about sex being a beautiful thing that you share with your partner. Have you ever tried marriage counseling??

It seems like she has a problem with sex, because she feels used instead of enjoying it, that is a problem. But maybe something happened to her or she received a certain type of education. How do you think she will feel about marriage counseling?

I don't think it would be a good idea to tell her that you want to go because of the sexual issues, I would feel threaten  if I hear that form hubby. Maybe telling her you don't feel so good and want to go to counseling with her??

"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." -Albert Einstein
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Maria Ro
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Re: Sex Starved Marriage

We are I'm counseling now
Not going anywhere.  I don't think it will get better.  Everything is my fault according to her. I am the one with the mental illness.

oldschool
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Oh my, I'm sorry to hear that. You having a mental illness doesn't make you the guilty or responsible one. She doesn't seem like a supportive wife. Maybe is not the best advice, but you have to be a bit selfish now, you're not feeling ok and you are trying all you can to help it, but if she doesn't help, well there's not much you can do. It is sad that you're so commited and she's not. Hang in there and think about you.

"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." -Albert Einstein
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Don' want to make it sound like I am the perfect husband and all our problems are her fault. That is far from from the truth.  I have had many concussions and ma have developed Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE) which is a degenerative brain disease.  My my wife says my personality has changed. I am not violent or abusive,  just withdrawn, depressed.  I am trying. I need love, affection and intimacy.  Not getting it. Feel alone and ready to quit:(

oldschool
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I know you're not the perfect husband, but I think you're trying all you can. You are writing in here and wanting to get better, that's a big big thing. I'm sorry you're hurting so much, please know that you're not alone. I know people in the forums can't replace real people on your life, but still you can talk in here and someone will always listen. Hang in there! don' lose hope!

"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." -Albert Einstein
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Thank you. I guess my expectations have always been high for my marriage.  I never wanted a good marriage. But a great one.  We never get time alone. Never go away together.  She is always too concerned about the kids, not us.

oldschool
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I guess that is very common right? Worry about the kids and not much about the marriage, which is very very important too. I think it is good that you want a great marriage, I share the idea of not having a good but a great marriage, or whatever you are doing in your life.

I'm wondering, what does she say in counseling when you talk about it? abotu she not being very interested in the marriage?

"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." -Albert Einstein
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