Have you ever had a moment of realization? The kind where you finally realize that you have, in fact, tricked everyone, including yourself, that what you are doing is acceptable?
On September 30, 2011 I got sick an hour or so after I had ate dinner and threw it all up. I suddenly felt SO much better, and the next day I threw up every time I ate. The next few days I still felt sick after eating but I never actually vomitted. After that I started to make myself throw up any time I felt sick after eating (which wasn't always). I had convinced myself that I was throwing up because I was sick, I never allowed myself to take the blame. I even went to the doctor and explained my symptoms, minus the forcible vomiting, and was even days away from having surgery to fix a "problem" that the doctor thought could be the only explanation. After being nervous about this surgery I cancelled and convinced myself that it was stress, and anxiety that was making me vomit, again not taking the blame. I made family and friends happy by saying I was going to go to a therapist to try and solve my throwing up issues, but keep making excuses about not finding one I like, or lying that they don't take my insurance. Because I knew if I went the truth would come out and I don't want it to...I LIKE this secret..
Once I finally allowed myself to acknowledge I was the one to blame, naturally I made excuses, such as; I was just making the process move faster, i was going to vomit anyway. But the truth is, I did because I feel sick..physically and mentally, whenever I eat. I feel as if I don't throw up I will explode, or gain tons of weight. Its sick really, at first i'd joke with friends and family that I was "unintentionally bullemic" well....SURPRISE its intentioinal.
I am really not sure why I feel this way about myself all of the sudden. I have always been a very proud, actually vain, person about myself - inside and out. But lately I look in the mirror and am just disgusted with ALL of me.

I'm not sure what I want from this, advice? words of encouragement, maybe? something to show me I'm not as alone as I feel.