2012

I did it again.  I wrote out a whole bunch of goals.  I had good, appropriate intentions.  I had a new journal to record all my successes.  And I have blown it.  Again. 

I was really good all fall.  When I overate, I really did binge on fruit and veggies.  I managed to lose the taste for sugar.  I got the cravey obsession thing out of my head, and I was dropping about half a pound a week.  Not dieting.  Not sneaking food.  My pants started getting loose, and I needed a belt.  It was awsome.  I stoped the binging.  But I don't know how.

But, despite all my new year's resolutions to step it up in 2012,  I have lost ground.  And I am gaining weight again.  I don't need the belt, and my fly is starting to undo itself when I am sitting down because my jeans are getting so tight again.

I don't understand why.  I have been binging, but not as bad as I often am, for months at a time.  I don't think I should be gaining at this rate.   I don't think I have been totally outrageous.  But, the truth is in, the number on the scale says I am up 10 pounds.  In a month. This basically makes me very nervous, and VERY hungry, and I want to give up, and start again on the road to perfection next January. 

I know it is the black and white thinking that gets me in trouble, in many areas of my life.  This is way beyond just eating. 

So I know I need to slow down, do more self nurturing, and be kinder to myself .  And give myself credit for my accomplishments.  I have only had a 10 pound gain, and it doesn't need to be any more than that.  I don't have to let that give me permission to continue the binge, because I have failed anyway. 

It is an ongoing struggle.  If it isn't crazy moods, it is boozing.  If it isn't boozing, then it is binging.  If it isn't binging, then it is too much socializing,  or avoiding people, or excess shopping.  Especially buying way too much food, so my fridge and cupboards are so full I can't function, and I don't know what I have.

I like shopping for food because everything fits.  Into my mouth.  It isn't like clothes shopping, which is depressing, because it is hard to find things that are comfortable, and look good. 

But grocery shopping!  My favourite!!!   Sometimes I just browse.  I'm just looking!  Next thing I know, I can't get food out of my head, and driving anywhere becomes a scenic tour of all the fast food places, and bakeries, and grocery stores.  Bulk foods?  Perfect!  I'm bulky.  I will fit right in.

It is nuts.  And saying that makes me think of cashews.  I have been hungry for those lately.  Or pistachios. 

Have a low fat, low carb day.
xo