Yeah I miss everyone too!!

Hi

I keep checking for new topics, and there is nothing, and I feel like no one likes me and I have scared everyone away, me being the centre of the universe, and all.  Seriously though, I have really appreciated finding comments in my far-too-empty inbox, and they  have made me feel like I am part of the human race.  And welcome somewhere.  Of course, if anyone knew me, or worked with me, or looked at me, etc. etc., you would know I am loser and tell me to %^*()#^&#@#()ffffr  FF()&%@#!!!!!  And not very politely at that.

It is a nightmare dealing with myself.  My psychologist told me yesterday that I am resistent to going back to work, because I become panicky, and say what a rough time I am having whenever the topic comes up.  I AM NO SLOUCH!!!!!  And I resent the implication that I am!  I have always worked very hard, and done my best, and I have never taken advantage of, or abused, any system, and I am not trying to screw the insurance company.  It really makes me mad, because, in my profession, I have given so much, and went to half time when I became too sick to work full time 24 years ago. I never asked the disability program to top up my salary.  I just did what I had to do.  And now I can't work at all, I am too all over the place, and it seems like there is no fixing me, but then the expectation is that I should just retire early.   And my pension is way too small, because I have only been working half time, and I won't survive very well.  And I paid 30 years into the disability program.  At 57 they just want to write me off. That is the plight of so many people dealing with mental illness, isn't it?  Povery and dismissal.  I wish I had cancer. 

My husband told me three months ago that he is planning on leaving me, and he will be fine on his pension.  It is in his best interest to get out as soon as he can, because then he will have a better standard of living without me. 

I am really having a pity party right now.

But a couple of days ago, when I was at my book club, I received fabulous appreciation and feedback about my comments, and felt smart and articulate, and 'normal'.. Of course, I hadn't read the material, I couldn't concentrate well enough to read it, but I was able to BS with passion and a good vocabulary.  It was a good day, and I was able to fake it so well.  And it was so much fun.  So I do have my good moments.  If they would only last.

I am starting to believe I will never get on my feet again.  That is not a good thing.  Very depressing, and makes me feel so hopeless, and useless.  I have been off work for two and a half years, and I am missing so much of life.  It is passing me by.

I keep going to see the psychologist, my disability pays for it, and I don't think anything useful is happenning.  If I don't go, I am being noncomplient, if I do go, and don't feel any great AWHA moments, I feel like an empty stupid loser.  I hate feeling like I am slow, because one of the  main positive things I have always believed about myself is that I am intellectually very competant.  I feel like I am a failure at therapy,  if I would just know how to do it properly, I would be fine.  And then I feel even more like a loser.  I am not sure how much of that is the depression, and how much is the psychologist being bored by how slow I am, but I am not having any big miracles happening.  I do believe he is a nice guy, and hehas gobs of education, and knows his stuff, and the problem is mine.  It is always mine. 

It really bothers me that I am not able to read things quickly and efficiently, and remember what I have read.  The ability to focus and concentrate has dissappeared, for about a year and a half now, and I find it so very frustrating!!!  I don't know if it is the meds, or a permanent brain state, but if it is a permanent thing, then I might as well smoke some herbal refreashment, and dreink because, what the Hell!!!  I just MUST have some relief. 

And frankly, a hot bubble bath isn't going to cut it, even though I do stuff like that with hope and Pollyanna-like sincerity.  Crapola!!  That is such a BS line I feed myself.  Cookies, or beer make me happier.  At least I can crash and sleep.

Sorry for the negativity, folks.  That is how it is today,  $%^&*(*(%^&%#$!@#&*)FFFF!

Trish
xo

Trish that's awful.
You've always been so sweet with me and I hope I've been there for you. I've been at the hospital the past couple of days... my Gramma died. But I did try emailing you from my phone. I don't know if it went through. I tried Maria too.
Anyhow, hope we can talk soon.

Hello everyone, I'm sorry you're not doing ok.

Chanda, I hope you can come back, I'm sure it would be helpful and also we have missed you.

Trish I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I agree with Chanda about talking to your therapist, you need to feel comfortable in therapy. When you're in the darkest place we feel like we will never be ok again, but my sister once told me, nothing lasts forever, not happiness but also not sadness. So there is a way out of all this, there has to be, because it can't last forever. The awful part is hanging in there while it lasts. Hang in there! and keep writing! I'm sure everyone likes you in here, I do like you even we haven't talked that much.

Sara, oh hun! I'm so sorry to hear this, I'm here for you hun! I didn't get your email, I'll try to write you now from mine. I'm here hun HUGS!!! I hope we can talk soon, I send you a big big hug!!

Thank you Maria and Chanda