Oh hun, I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I wish I could do something to help you. You have the right to feel hopeless, I don't mean you are hopeless, but you have the right to feel like that. I have seen how you do everything you're supposed to do, you take your meds, go to therapy, keep a journal. I know you're a hard worker. I'm no expert but maybe it is just a chemical thing and it is not in your hands.

I hope there was something you could do to help this. I know you're taking your meds and it will take time for them to start working, if they do. I know right now is super hard, but try to remember the good things you have in your life, even the smallest things. Just try to repeat yourself good things you have.

Oh hun, hang in there! I'm here for you.. don't know what else to say. Just that I care for you and hang in there.

It is so maddenning that when you know what you want, and what you need, and you can't make it happen. At least right now.  This mood disorder thing is horrendous.  It destroys the quality of life and relationships.  It holds us back from doing the things we want to do, and are capable of doing (sometimes).  And the whole medication piece is such a crapshot.  It is so random, and takes so long to find out if something is helpful.  But the you might feel more stable, but the side effects can be so damaging in their own right.  It takes so much work, and consistency, and serendipity, and appropriate outside resources, and then just when you think you have figured it out, then something like the blood levels go wacky for no apparent reason.  And it feels so bad.  There aren't words that desctibe how devasting it is, and how exhausting it is. 

I find that I can feel so alone because no one in my world really understands the burden I carry.  It really is a big heavy load.  And I know some people who are very judgemental of me, " There is something WRONG with you".  And yes there is, but it isn't my choice, aand I am trying my very best.  This is not moral failure, or laziness.  I can't pull myself up by the bootstraps and get on with my life.

I am so scattered from the moods switches, and the meds, I don't even know where my bootstraps are.  Do I even have any?  What the $f%^*f* are they anyway?

My heart goes out to you Sara.  This is a crappy way to spend too much of one's precious life.  And it isn't any fun.  I hope you find some relief soon.

trish
xo

Hey hun, it's hard to feel like no one understands you. And I don't think they can even if they try very hard, I guess it's something that only living it can be understood. I keep thinking about you and hoping you start to feel better. HUGS!

Oh hun, I'm so sorry you're going through all this, I'm sure you can't understand it. I can't understand it either. Nothing is forever hun, this has to end at some point and the hard thing is to hang in there while it lasts. I'm here if you need to talk hun! HUGS!!!

Hi Trish,
Thanks so much for the message.
I would give anything to say that that particular moment came back.
I've been like this now for about three months. Mixed episodes and rapid cycling are a common occurance these days. But when I rapid cycle I don't get hypomanic or overly happy. The depression just decreses a for a while, but never lasts long.
I'm sure you'll get the hang of it. I've been on here for a few years now. At first it took me a while. There is so much on this site.
For the most part it's anonymous, however, I have been fortunate to make some great friends that I keep in touch with off of here.
I'm pretty isolated right now. I just don't have much energy. I try coming on here on a regular basis hoping that it will help and it does. It's nice to have people to relate to, though I wouldn't wish this upon anyone.
I'll wrap this up for now, I'm pretty down, so I'm just going to try and relax, maybe watch a movie.
It's been nice getting to know you these past few weeks. hugs