Stolen Innocence

Stolen Innocence

I was 8 years old the first time anything happened. Always a painfully shy little kid, but always wanting acceptance. My mom had been dating the man that would later become my step-dad for about two weeks, when she decided she'd let him move in with us. In the begining, he was nice enough. His two sons went to daycare with me. They lived with their mom. Anyway, late one night when my mom was asleep, he came into my room and got in the bed with me. I woke up when I heard the door open, but still pretended to be asleep. He started rubbing my back and then made his way down to between my legs. :oops: I was so scared, and I didn't know what to do. I just laid there tears rolling down my cheeks and let him do it. This became a nightly ritual. I'd hear the door open and feel him in bed next to me and I'd leave my body.
A few months later, my little sister was born. This gave him an excuse to sleep in the bed with me all night. The first time he raped me I was 9. By then, he'd figured out that I was just pretending to be asleep. He'd come in with his gun pointed at me and gag me so I couldn't scream. Then he tied my hands to the headboard of the bed. He'd strip and slowly he'd remove my clothes. He spread my legs the width of the bed and tied them down. Then he'd rape me.
He said if I told anyone he'd kill me and that no one would believe me. This continued until I was 14, and finally told my teacher what was going on. We went to court and eventually I went to stay with my real dad. I started cutting when I was 10, and I overdosed not long after I moved in with my dad. I was admitted to a psych ward and my dad decided that I was too much for him to handle.
Other than saying it happened, I've never been able to tell anyone. After all this time, the flashbacks still come. I don't know. I just feel so crazy.

CrimsonFairy
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Re: Stolen Innocence

Stolen Innocence is right. I am SO sorry this happened to you and that you didn't seem to get the support you really needed afterward. I hope that you are in therapy now. That would help for sure.

Hang in there. We are here for you.
Chanda

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I just started therapy again 2 weeks ago. I was supposed to go today but I had something else I had to take care of come up. It's really hard though especially when all I want to do is sit in a corner and cry.
My SI is getting really bad. I don't know what to do anymore

CrimsonFairy
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I am glad you felt that you could share your story with us.  That was hard Im sure.  I know how this feels - had similar things happen as a child.  It is very painful to deal with but it is worth the hard work.  Working through it little bits at a time will help you feel strong and help you face the pain from the past.
We are here to listen to you and care about you.  Many of us have been through alot of the same things and have experienced what you are going through.
Suzanna

Jeremiah 33:3  "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great things you do not know"

suzanna
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Thank you. It is very hard. Sometimes I feel like if I don't get it out I'll just explode from pushing everything deeper and deeper inside. But then when I do get the nerve to say something, like now, it makes me feel so ashamed and dirty. I really don't know how to explain it. It's like I should be able to handle this better. Cutting helps me deal with it all but the relief is only temporary. I just want everything not to hurt so much. No one around me understands me but then why would they because I can't talk to them about this. About anything really.

CrimsonFairy
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hi crimson fairy
it is so awful that we can feel so dirty and bad when the person who should be feeling ashamed and disgusted with himself probably hasnt the conscience to even contemplate the pain they have caused. For many years i felt dirty, different and ashamed but now am beginning to put the blame where it should always have been - we all deserve to heal from the pain - keep on going to therapy even if you dont want too - it has been the best thing finding a therapist who understands the effects of rape.  I wish i had the courage to go many years ago and began to free myself from the chains of another persons actions. we did nothing wrong - yet as children we coundnt understand this so we blamed ourselves.  I hope you find a therapist who you feel is right for you - i fought for years with trust issues but am glad was able to finally trust a Therapist with the awful truth that for so long couldnt be spoken of.  I remember thinking she wouldnt understand about SI - and kept it hidden for so long - my own children were talking about emos at school who cut - i listened to this and thought if only you knew. 
take care

justus
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What justus said.  Totally.  Good for you that you had the strength and courage to tell your teacher what was going on, even though it didn't have the perfect outcome.  At least you got away from there.

You're not alone.  I've been there, too. And the flashbacks still come.  But I have to hope with therapy and medication that things will get  better.

Hodge
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Hi Hodge - it is great you have hope - for me it means we can get thru this.  The times when hope seemed lost were the worst in my life - thankfully this doesnt happen as often as it did.  I remember reading somewhere that when it's hard going, keep going.  We deserve a place that we feel safe, and that is peaceful -

justus
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Just keep up with the therapy. It is SO important. Therapy often brings up painful things and makes your symptoms worse for a while but things will eventually start to get better.
Chanda

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Well It is very painful to deal with but it is worth the hard work.  Working through it little bits at a time will help you feel strong and help you face the pain from the past.
We are here to listen to you and care about you.

jannet
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