The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders Online Conference Transcript - Personal Experiences with Anorexia

Written by HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

Natalie: You interviewed 40 people, women and men, who you knew from your youth. One of the things that really struck me, was the common theme of "shame" that each felt. Shame that they had an eating disorder. Shame that they shied away from intimacy or had a compulsion to be perfect. Could you talk about that?

Aimee Liu: In general, I've found, an eating disorder is a response to shame. In other words, the shame comes first. The shame is in the body and mind before the eating becomes disordered. So the shame that may develop about the eating disorder is usually an extension of distress that runs much deeper. People need to understand that an eating disorder is a coping mechanism. No one chooses to become anorexic or bulimic. It's that experience of unbearable distress that triggers the obsession with body and food as an escape or distraction or attempt to reconcile pressures that cannot be reconciled. Usually that unbearable distress involves shame.

Several of the people I interviewed had, like me, been molested as children. Others had been sent to fat farms as children and told by their parents that no one would love them if they didn't lose weight. Others had struggled since childhood with shame over their sexuality. Some had been shamed by parents because they did not sufficiently mirror the parents' values or appearance.

The persistence of an eating disorder is a signal that the underlying shame is still driving one's thoughts and behavior. And of course, because this group is perfectionistic, any residual problems are seen as imperfections and thus a source of further shame! That cycle can be broken, however, if we treat eating disorders as natural signals, instead of as character flaws.

Natalie: Here's a comment from the audience, then a question.

Erika_EDSA: Aimee, I'm happy to see that you've brought up that people can recover from eating disorders because the many people I work with just don't believe that. I tell people that no one wakes up one day and says, "Gee, I think I want to be anorexic or bulimic, etc."

khodem: Do you believe God played a role in your recovery?

Aimee Liu: Ah... that's tricky because I'm not a religious person... my definition of God is nature -- science... not some outside force that can pull my strings or command my choices. I believe I am accountable for my own choices and for my health. HOWEVER, seeing the unity in all things and developing a capacity for self-transcendence has been critical.

We need to learn how to move our minds to connect with others and with the natural world, to realize FULLY that we are not alone or isolated, and that we are all connected. So spirituality has been critical, but not necessarily "God".

Natalie: To got back to the subject of "shame" for a moment, I'm assuming you, too, were ashamed of turning to weight loss as a form of comfort, having an eating disorder, and some of the personality traits that go along with that. I think it would be helpful to many in our audience, and those who read the transcript, to know how you came to deal with that shame?

Aimee Liu: I actually don't feel that shame. I have tremendous respect for the mechanisms within my body and mind that cobbled together this "solution" to my unspeakable need as a child to tell the world that I felt empty, hollow, and unseen. I turned my body into a metaphor for the feelings I could not articulate any other way. And I did so again in my 40s.

I certainly do regret that no one was on hand in my early life who could read my body's code. And I am eternally grateful to the therapist who was able to read the code in mid-life and, just as crucially, to translate it for my husband.

I absolutely regret the nearly three decades I spent in the half-life of eating disorders before my relapse. But shame is just not the right word, nor is it an appropriate response to eating disorders at any stage or phase. The same goes for the personality traits that are involved.

Perfectionism is not shameful. It can be incredibly useful if one is an artist, or architect, or writer. The trick is to learn to direct one's innate traits toward creative goals that bring pleasure and meaning to one's life, instead of allowing them to cause unnecessary suffering. Self-awareness is a vital element of recovery, and self-awareness cannot develop unless we free ourselves from the kind of judgment and criticism that generates shame.

flchick7626: Is there anyway a person can get fully better without eating disorders treatment or therapy? If so, how?

Aimee Liu: Well, yes! The researchers estimate that only about a third of people with eating disorder symptoms ever even get diagnosed. And almost all of the women -- and men -- I interviewed got better without treatment (because there was none when we were seriously sick). But we got better by falling in love, or developing a passion for creative work, or animals -- we found sources of nourishment that did not involve food. HOWEVER, if you are seriously compromising your body by starving it or bingeing and purging, good specialized therapy is critical to save your health and support your brain as it starts to recover. Also, I believe good therapy is essential for us to move beyond the "half-life" of eating disorders and develop the capacity to live truly full lives.

Natalie: Aimee, we have parents, family members, husbands and other loved ones here tonight. They want to know how to offer support to someone they care about who has an eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia. Can you touch on that and the importance of it?

Aimee Liu: First, move the conversation away from body and food (especially if the person's physical condition is stable). Second, avoid the impulse to criticize and judge -- maintain a tone of compassion and openness at all times! Third, accept your own role in the problem -- especially if there is a family history of eating disorders or weight fixation. Recognize that EDs are largely genetic -- and the family has contributed to the problem in ways that are seen and unseen. This helps lift the burden of blame and shame from everyone.

The hardest part is to figure out what's causing the real distress... and that probably takes professional help. If the person is young and still living at home, the treatment with the best track record is the Maudsley Method. If the person is older, treatment will depend a lot on what kind of eating disorder it is and what the person's history is like. But for parents and friends... the important thing is to keep the lines of communication and connection and concern open -- and to treat the problem as an illness not a shameful choice or a problem the merits blame.